Helping Kids with ADHD/ASD Through the “4 Smarts”

I recently shared a talk with parents of children with ADHD/ASD, drawing on my experience in ACT, CBT, parenting support, and counselling.

Many of these kids have an incredible thinking mind — they shine in Critical Thinking Smart and Practical Smart. Unfortunately, school and home life don’t always nurture these strengths, especially in the earlier years when tasks and subjects may feel irrelevant. This mismatch can lead to disengagement.

Where children with ADHD/ASD often need the most support is in the feeling-based smarts:

1. Social Smart – connecting with others, building collaboration, empathy and harmony.

2. Self Smart – emotional regulation, self-awareness, resilience, self-compassion, and deep self-acceptance.

When these areas aren’t supported, children can feel out of balance, and challenges at school and at home can quickly grow. 

The key?

Helping children integrate all four smarts — so that their strengths are recognised, their challenges are scaffolded, and they are supported to thrive both in learning and in life.

Helping our children to be aware of their “Love Languages”

When looking after kids, one of things to be aware of is their “Love Languages”. 

There are 5 Love Languages described by Dr Gary Chapman. These are essentially values and beliefs around “how do we measure love and connection”. 

So love and connection is measured by ....

1. Quality time 
2. Acts of services
3. Words of affirmation
4. Gifts
5. Physical affection 

The ones who have “words of acknowledgement” as their primary “love language”, is the most vulnerable to criticisms at schools, home, or on social media. 

If not careful, these kids can feel very disconnected, and through disconnection, can lead to a lot of shame, fear and anxiety. 

If we can give them and their families the emotional literacy to understand this, it may help them to better navigate or defuse from those thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. 

What’s is the difference between a punishment and a consequence

With parenting support and counseling, we often explore with parents about the difference between a punishment versus a consequence. 

This is important for the workplace as well, especially for those in management or leadership positions.

A punishment is emotive. Usually, it’s done with judgement, frustration, reactivity, or anger.

A consequence on the other hand, is often more emotionally neutral or compassionate, and less judgemental.

Why is this important?

When a punishment is perceived by the the child who is on the receiving end, it impacts on their connection/attachment with us. It may give them a message that the connection is “conditional” upon that certain expectation is met.

With “consequences” as the “optics”, it’s saying this has nothing to do with our relationship. I love and care for you no matter what. At the same time, these are the consequences to what we have done. That is life. But no matter what happens, I still love and care for you no matter what.

Not easy of course, especially when our needs are not met, and we are stressed due to life’s craziness. Parenting is truly the toughest job in the world. 

We make mistakes. We learn. We grow.

Helping our children to balance the outer compass with the inner compass

In parenting counseling work, it’s usual to observe parents expecting their children to follow the rules and values of the family and society, and ultimately follow the “outer compass”. This is what school may teach us as well. 

This is of course normal, expected, and helps with survival and adaptation. It can also help with external social harmony. 

The only problem is, many of these kids continue to be too focus on the “outer compass”, and forget to listen to their own “inner compass”. They may be inadvertently led to believe that this is the only way to be. This is what a “good or normal person” would do.  

It’s always a bit of a balance of course. Too much of one way over the other can lead to its own set of problems. 

So what is an alternative way of framing this for parents?

We train our kids to be “outer compass” in order to fine tune their “inner compass”, and once their inner compass is more fine tuned and adaptable, transition to more inner compass perhaps for more inner harmony. Continue to be “outer compass” of course, in order to ensure our inner compass is updated on a regular basis. 

It’s like updating our firmware for optimal functioning and adaptability.

5 simple tips on how to improve our relationship and connection with our children

In parenting, sometimes we can be so focused on the behavioral management, that we can forget to work on the connection and relationship with our children. There are a number of simple ways to improve the connection with our children as described in TripleP (Positive Parenting Program), and the 5 Love Languages. There are significant overlaps. 

1. Provide frequent quality time for our children. The principle here is frequent and shorter duration is better than rare and longer duration. Quality is about being present for the child. So when our children show us something, we then fully engage with them, and be present with them. This is of course not easy in this day and age. If this is done frequently, even for a short one or two minutes, it’s probably better than that once in a while beach holiday or overseas trip.

2. Show frequent physical affection for our children. A simple hug, high five, or a pat on the shoulder. We acknowledge that some kids are less physical than others.

3. Help and support our children, and be mindful of frequent opportunities to teach and encourage learning.

4. Using words of acknowledgement, and descriptive praises to encourage certain values that they want to cultivate in their family. A simple example is, thank you for being so kind and considerate to your sister, instead of simply, good boy.

5. Appropriate gifts and rewards are effective to connect and initiate wanted behaviours, but in order for the behaviour to be more sustainable, it must be done intermittently.

Improving the connection with our children, will reduce stress and the “fight or flight” responses, which will in turn reduce the need for behavioral management.

Beware of the escalation trap in parenting

One of the most common pitfall for all parents is the “escalation trap”.

We ask the child to do something. They ignore or refuse. We escalate. They escalate. We escalate. They escalate. At the end, we may give in with an “accidental reward”, or they may give in this time.

The question is, what are they learning from this, and what are we as parents, learning from this.

They are learning that we are not serious until we escalate.

We are learning that they are not going to listen until we escalate.

So if that is what we are learning, and that’s what they are learning, it’s probably not going to get better.

Part of parenting skill training is to equip parents with strategies to prevent this escalation trap.

So what principles and strategies can we use to help parents with this?


1. Start with simply being aware of the above. Awareness is the first step to change.

2. Work on connection/relationship because this is foundational in parenting. When the relationship, connection and attachment are good, boundary setting is going to be much more effective and easier to implement.

3. Consider shaping behaviour by rewarding and giving attention to the behaviours we want, and active ignoring of the behaviours that we don’t want (as long as they are not dangerous). If not careful, we tend to do the reverse. Part of reward can be a simple “descriptive” praise for behaviors and values that you want to cultivate in our family. For example, good boy for being so patient and kind to your sister, rather than simply, “good boy”. Be mindful of what they are doing well and acknowledge those, rather than just pointing out the “bad stuff”.

4. Consider using behavioral strategies from TripleP like quiet time and time out, or the 1,2,3, and consequence from 123Magic may assist, although the delivery must be done correctly.

5. Or cultivate more “mindful” parenting in line with the theme of Circle of Security. Provide them with their needs for safety, stability, unconditional love/connection, and the opportunities for growth/learning. Use “time out” for both parent and child if required for defusion/reflection, but remember to go back to “time in” to empathize, teach, coach, accept/own our mistakes, make things right, and most importantly, rebuild the connection.

Parenting is definitely one of hardest job in the world, and at the same time, can be most rewarding as well.  Please consider speaking to your Family Doctor or Mental Health Professionals, if you have struggles in this area. 

The difference between punishments vs consequences

I think understanding the difference between punishments and consequences is very important not only in parenting but also in management and leadership in your work/business.

Punishments and consequences can be seen as very similar logically but have very different “flavours” and outcomes. One has anger and frustration attached to it. The other one doesn’t. 

So the key point is in the delivery. Punishment is delivered with anger or frustration.  Consequence is delivered in a more neutral or compassionate manner. 

Short video on how to approach and help children with behavioural concerns

As a Family Doctor, it is very common for me to see parents who are concerned about their children's mood and behaviours. This can cause a lot of stress for the family. In this video, I have outlined a simple approach on how to assess these sort of problems, and discussed a simple framework on how we can assess and find ways to help these families and their children. I often describe it as the "What, Why, and How to improve" approach.

Parenting tip on why unconditional love for our children is so important.

Giving our children unconditional love is one thing, and making sure that they perceive it as unconditional love is another.

Giving our children unconditional love is so important as it will teach our children that they are significant no matter what.  They are significant for being them.  Once they have a stable and strong sense of "significance" or self, they will then have a good foundation from which to build strong relationships with self and others, and succeed better at life.

The perfect parent....Is there such a thing?

In my opinion....simply NO.

As parents, we wear many hats.

The nuturer
The protector

The cook

The authority

The "slave"

The waiter

The personal shopper
The carer
The life coach
The teacher
And the list goes on......

So how can one do a "perfect" job if there are so many jobs to do?

So next time you catch yourself being overly critical of your parenting, be kind to yourself, upskill whenever you can, and remind yourself that you can only do the best that you can with so many shoes to fill.

The truths behind rewards and consequences in parenting

Part of parenting is to prepare our children for the real world, and the real world is partly based on rewards and consequences/punishments.

If you do well, you might get a reward.

If you don't do well, you might get some consequences, whether that might be natural consequences, or one that is enforced by some form of authority.

The reality is, the child has to have the necessary skills to achieve the desired behaviour.

So next time your child is not behaving, and the behaviour is not improving despite consistent rewards and consequences, take a breath, step back from the situation, be present, and ask yourself, "Does my child actually have the skills here to achieve the desired behaviour, or is he naughty and do not want to behave?"

If the answer is that he is "naughty and do not want to behave", then the next step is to up the rewards or up the consequences.

If the answer is that he does not have the skills, then we need to coach him, and help him to succeed rather than upping the consequences.  In this instance, upping the consequences will only make the matter worse.

Empowering The Inner Hero: Why Positive Role Models Are So Important By our Guest Authors Professor Paula Barrett and Jacqueline Bermingham

Learning is an ongoing, lifelong process through which teachers and educators have the power to shape and transform their students’ outlooks on life. By being open to new opportunities and challenges, from childhood through to our senior years, people will continue to acquire new skills throughout their entire life, which will quench the yearning that comes from within. And whatever skills people seek to learn and acquire, whether it be simple or complex, powerful role models enhance and facilitate this education by exerting great influence over what and how people learn. The anonymous quote, “Role models inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more”, sums this theory up eloquently.

Role models are commonly likened to mentors, heroes, leaders, and charismatic individuals, and put simply, are seen to possess a set of characteristics and personal attributes that make them stand out from the crowd. Such virtues include kindness, empathy towards all living creatures, persistence, courage, altruism, compassion, dedication and creativity. Role models typically possess three valuable attributes. Firstly, they have the ability to motivate and inspire others, secondly they are unique and positive characteristics who others can learn from, and thirdly, they possess values and beliefs that promote empathy and wellbeing in all living creatures.

Beliefs that we hold as parents

As parents, we often inadvertently expect a lot from our children, and this is quite "normal".

Whenever we are very stressed about parenting, it might be useful to reflect on our beliefs about parenting that makes us react in that way. By being aware of our beliefs, we might then be able reassess, and see if our beliefs are helpful or not.

Some of the beliefs about parenting which I often see are:

• My children should listen to me at all times.
• My children should do what they are told at all times.
• My children should follow the rules all the time.
• My children should behave at all times.
• My children should respect me at all times.
• My child's behaviour is a reflection of how good I am as a parent

These beliefs may not be so realistic, and create a lot of tension for us as parents.  By being aware of these beliefs, one is able to find more realistic alternative beliefs or ways of thinking.

The cost of family happiness- Priceless: Investing in the promotion of family and school community values written by our Guest Clinical Psychologist Prof. Paula Barrett and Jacqueline Bermingham @ Pathways Health and Research Centre

In western society, we tend to conflate material wealth with the state of happiness, considering a well-paid job, a nice house, a luxurious car, access to fine dining and lavish entertainment as tantamount to a fulfilled and joyful life.

This is not the case, evidenced by the fact that many citizens of developing nations in serious financial strain still laugh and play, dance and sing, give and receive affection, as well as make and share simple traditional food with their loved ones and their communities.

The fact is, depression, anxiety and suicide are more prevalent in countries with a high SES, where divorce rates and statistics surrounding blended families are the highest in the world. It seems that material wealth does not create life-long happiness in human beings.

When we research the literature about the factors contributing to the happiness of children, adults and families alike, some common factors continually arise. Research shows that happy families create traditions by sharing meals and feelings around the table, having fun and playing games together, praising and supporting one another, as well as nurturing spirituality and regularly showing affection (through hugs and kisses).

Creating Traditions as a Family

Happy families celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, festivities and the achievement of milestones together. Family connections are grown and strengthened by recognizing and praising, for example, the entrance into, or completion of schooling, as well as celebrating the participation in and achievements associated with sporting or extra-curricular activities. Supporting and praising the accomplishments of all members of the family - parents and children alike, is essential to family cohesion and connectedness. Whether celebration be in the form of cooking special meals, going on a day-outing, or even the simple writing of a ‘thankyou’ or ‘well done’ letter or drawing, families need to support and express their love, appreciation and admiration.

Many children grow up in situations where they have many material possessions, but seldom sit around a table to share a meal with their own family. Sharing a candle-lit meal with your family at least two or three times a week, with no rush or stress involved, only simple, healthy food is a very important life bonding experience. It is a unique opportunity to share each other’s life experiences and learn from others on how to deal with common challenges. It also provides an opportunity for learning manners and other social etiquette behaviours.

Having fun, playing, joking and seeing the funny side of life is a wonderful catalyst to overcoming one’s ups and downs. Usually in the future we look back on these incidents as ‘funny’ occurrences that created family history. Children learn to appropriately joke about things with their parents and older siblings, which is a healthy way of dealing with conflicts and issues.

Mundane tasks do not need to be unpleasant and hard. Working together can actually make difficult tasks seem that much easier and fun. For instance, cleaning up after a long meal, keeping a garden thriving and healthy, or tidying a park or bushland is so much easier and more enjoyable to do as a family group rather than alone as an individual.

Sharing spirituality is also very important as it helps us transcend our sense of mortality, contributing to the wider community. Nurturing spirituality together, whether that be through organised religious rituals or through the simple expression of gratitude and counting one’s blessings, makes us feel grateful about what we have, instead of negatively focussing on what we don’t.

One of the most valuable family traditions is the giving of time to volunteer at charitable organisations, assisting the well being of select groups in society.

These include, abandoned/mistreated animals, the elderly, children suffering from serious illness, caring for the environment, learning to be a life-saver, helping the homeless or refugees. These family values not only increase children’s self esteem by learning that they can make a difference themselves towards the well being of others but also teaches children other important family values such as ‘what can I do for my family’, ‘what can I do for my community’, and ‘what can I do for my country’, rather than being a passive recipient. Long term this will create a more compassionate and altruistic society.

Utilising natures playground is also an important part of family bonding. Often simple, easy and inexpensive activities such as walking or running in the bushland, climbing trees, playing in creeks, riding bicycles or roller-blading, swimming in the ocean and watching native wildlife create very powerful learning experiences. Such opportunities for life-long memory making cannot be replicated by expensive, man-made toys. Man-made toys date and become obsolete, but natural experiences have a unique and indefinite quality about them creating shared family memories and values.

Reflecting on Traditions

Children can become so involved in ‘new’ experiences and ‘new’ toys, alienating them from their family traditions. The importance of family time spent together, doing simple activities that promote creativity, gratitude, and connections with nature and across generations is second to none. Quality family time together is the forum for the growth, development and physical and mental health of all family members.

A simple example comes from traditions around cooking and eating behaviour. Jamie Oliver’s UK campaign to revolutionise eating behaviours and school meals advocates that children of all ages, parents, grandparents and teachers be involved in the planting, gathering, preparation, cooking, eating and cleaning up of food - all stages of food product and consumption.  Moreover, the enjoyment of simple, organic, easy to prepare meals is an extremely important family value which promotes positive mental and physical health, and helps to reduce obesity.

Other examples of simple, affordable family activities that promote inter-generational positive values, are little things such as walking to places together, playing in backyards and parks together, creating family challenges (eg this year we are going to climb Mt Warning to see the first light of the new year), learning to body-surf a wave together, building and flying a kite together, planning and going on a picnic together, making damper or popcorn, making cards and gifts from recycled, used materials, creating bedtime rituals, doing drawings, writing a poem or note or playing a special song for each other.

A very powerful tradition practiced in some Nordic countries as part of the curriculum in late primary school requires every child to interview an elderly family member. They need to ask them about the foods they ate, the clothes they wore, the environment of their schools, their first jobs, their family activities and the overall best memories from their childhood.

Family traditions help to develop a sense of identity and belonging across generations. They form the essence of the most powerful memories into adulthood.

Our diverse cultural and linguistic backgrounds ought to be celebrated and shared within the school environment. In a way, family traditions cannot be taught in the traditional schooling sense, but can only be learned by doing and being celebrated.  School communities play an integral role in creating such family traditions. When schools involve grandparents, through ‘grandmother’ or ‘grandfather’ days in which all children in the school community share the experience of bringing family into the school setting, lasting family traditions and fantastic memories are made. These will never leave those children, even well into their adulthood.

The World Health Organisation states that the two biggest issues costing governments the most in health expenditure is not heart disease or cancer. It is obesity and life-style diabetes, as well as anxiety and depression due to social isolation and lack of family and community values. Knowing this, we need to start allocating our creativity and efforts to ensure that value is attached to the time with family members, teachers, and society elders alike, cooking simple healthy food, planting community gardens, and playing sport together.

We are only going to become a healthier society if we start to mobilise together - that is, making a habit of walking, being active, spending more time in nature, enjoying the outdoors AND less time in front of screens, and participating ‘vicariously’ through the activities of others on television.

Values are deep constructs - deep issues in the emotional development of a child. Deep issues are not taught through a manual or a book, but through LIVING those values.

References

Creighton, F. (2000). Skills for family wellness. What’s New, 33(3), 9.

Flett, M.R, Moore, R.W., Pfeiffer, K.A., Belonga, J., & Navarre, J.. (2010). Connecting Children and Family with Nature-Based Physical Activity. American Journal of Health Education, 41(5), 292.

Grosse, S.J. (2009). Family Activities for Fitness. The Exceptional Parent, 39(6/7), 28.

Handler, C.S. (2001). Be a better parent: a Shorty Story Magazine. Redbook, 196(4), 182-185

Kime, N. (2008). Children’s eating behaviours: the importance of the family setting. Area, 40(3), 315-322

Latvala, C. (2002) 8 secrets of happy families: Easy ways to add more joy to your life. Parenting, 16(8), 104-106

O’Neill, H. & O’Neill, G..(1993). Time together: affordable family activities, Today’s Parent, 10(7), 36-40

Renkl, M. (2000). In praise of family meals. Parenting, 14(9), 156

Professor Paula Barrett and Jacqueline Bermingham

Pathways Health and Research Centre

http://www.pathwayshrc.com.au/

Parenting Skills with Group Triple P written by our Guest Psychologist Dr Nicole Arthur @ New Directions Psychology Jindalee Brisbane

What is Triple P?
Raising healthy and well-adjusted children who have the skills to cope with life can be stressful for most parents and at times overwhelming. Research suggests that “parenting”, whilst rewarding, is also one of the most difficult “jobs” in life.

So where do parents learn the necessary skills and knowledge to raise their children? What help is available for parents facing challenging behaviours, emotional ups and downs and developmental changes?

Triple P - Positive Parenting Program is a system of well-researched and validated parenting skills that aims to promote positive and caring relationships between parents and their children, to encourage desired behaviour in children and to help develop effective management strategies for dealing with undesired child behaviour problems.

Group Triple P is one method of delivery of the Triple P strategies. This mode of delivery has the advantages of allowing for normalisation of the parenting experience as well as providing the opportunity for support, friendship and constructive advice from other parents. It is a multi-session program that is ideally presented to groups of 10 -12 parents/families. The program allows for active involvement by parents and the chance to learn new knowledge and skills through observation, discussion, active practice and feedback.

Who can benefit from Triple P?

Whilst initially developed to assist parents of children with specific behavioural problems, research has identified the advantages of the program as a universal parenting support strategy. Parenting issues can range from day-to-day stress and relationship difficulties to more severe and repetitive emotional or behavioural problems.  Group Triple P provides a set of skills and strategies that can assist parents deal with these issues in a positive, consistent and decisive way, whilst at the same time encouraging a parenting environment that helps to encourage and promote the development of their children.

How does Triple P work?

Triple P helps you to:

·         Understand how your family works and to identify causes of children’s behaviour

·         Create a positive parenting relationship

·         Promote your child’s development

·         Encourage desired behaviour

·         Manage undesired behaviour

Whilst Triple P is very effective in improving child behaviour problems, much of its emphasis is on developing positive parenting attitudes, skills and behaviour. This allows for improved family relationships that will themselves encourage children to more desired behaviour and enable them to realise their full potential.

For more information on Group Triple P, contact us @ New Directions Psychology.

For those from another part of the world, contact Triple P International.

Dr Nicole Arthur

BHMS (Ed) B Arts (Psych)(Hons) D Psych Clin MAPS

Clinical Psychologist and Director

New Directions Psychology

Allsports Shopping Village

Suite 21/19 Kooringal Drive

Jindalee Brisbane Qld 4074

PH: 3376 1977 Fax: 3376 9973

www.newdirectionspsychology.com.au

"Once a peach, always a peach"

"Once a peach, always a peach".

"Once a what?" you might ask.

I often use this phrase when I refer to a temperament of a child.  The temperament of a child is their "innate personality", and it is something that I believe, you cannot change, or at least, cannot change easily.

Just like a peach, you cannot change it into an apple. What you can do though, is to accept it, work with it, and maximize its potential.

So like your child, accept them for who they are, love them and understand them, nurture their strengths and manage their weaknesses, and ultimately, this will maximize their potential.

This is in essence what we try to do in ACT...Acceptance Commitment Therapy.


Note: If you have child with ASD, then the ACT approach can be very useful.  I encourage you to talk to your Doctor, Psychologist or Counsellor about this. 

Secrets to Changing Kid's Annoying Behaviours Written by our Guest Parenting Educator and Author Michael Grose

What do your kids do to annoy you?

Do they fight?

Do they nag incessantly?

Perhaps, you have a child who continually whines to get what they want? Or does it drive you crazy when kids always leave their toys/clothes/towels lying around despite your constant reminders?

How to bring about a change in behaviour is a common parenting challenge. Here are four tips that will help bring about a behavioural change, if you are persistent and patient.

These ideas also work gang-busters on adults so if your partner has an annoying habit or behaviour that you’d like to alter then you can practise on them!!

Tip 1: Change your initial response. Think how you normally respond to kids’ annoying behaviours, and then do something different. Rather than remind kids to pick up toys, remove them. Move away from whining rather than tell remind them stop. Repetitive behaviours happen because of the pay-off they get so change the pay-off to change the behaviour.

Tip 2: Practise new or better behaviours. There are times when it’s useful to practise, role play or rehearse better behaviours. Want a child to stay in bed when they wake in the middle of the night rather than visit you? You’ll increase the chance of success dramatically if you role play with your child during the day waking up, turning on the light and reading a book. Do it a number of times and he’s more likely to do it at night.

Tip 3: Minimise the attention you give to behaviours you don’t want. That means when kids ignore your brilliant suggestions and continue with an old behaviour then, ignore it, sidestep it or implement a consequence but don’t nag or harp on it. It takes time to change ingrained behaviours.

Tip 4: Spotlight the appropriate behaviour. Show your sincere appreciation when kids behave in the desired way. We often take kids for granted, or rather we are hard-wired to give kids NO recognition for doing the right thing, but we give them plenty of B-grade attention when they misbehave. The behaviours you focus EXPAND so set your antennae to pick up the good rather than the annoying behaviours.

Like any process it will work if you stick to it and follow through. Star charts are one option, but I think they are for parents’ benefit more than the kids as they act as good reminders for us to focus on their good behaviours.

One more thing!

Expect kids’ annoying behaviours to get worse before they improve as they are just trying to work out if you really mean it when you change! That’s why persistence and patience are your greatest allies in this process.

Michael Grose
Parenting Educator
http://www.parentingideas.com.au/

Why is parenting skills so important for sufferers with depression and anxiety?

In my practice, part of the treatment for patients with depression and anxiety is to help parents with parenting skills.  Parenting is one of the hardest job in the world but yet, we get so little training in this area.  Parenting although very rewarding, can be a very common source of stress, and if we can manage this better, then the stress and anxiety will be less.  There is good evidence to support this.

Please consider talking to your Doctor about help in this area.  If your Doctor do not provide parenting skill training, then your Doctor will generally refer you to the right people.  In Australia, TripleP is a well known and reputable organization which focus on parenting.

Please click on this link for more information on TripleP in your part of the world.

Raising glass half-full kids written by our Guest Parenting Educator and Author Michael Grose Australia

I did some interesting research about ten years ago and I think the results would still stand up.

I looked at over 200 children who were chosen for student leadership positions in schools to work out why they were chosen. They had a predictable number of characteristics and qualities in common including: competence, trustworthiness, the ability to make and maintain friendships, and a number of other pro-social skills.

Interestingly, one characteristic most young leaders shared was the notion of positive tracking. That is, they looked for the bright side of life and the good in others far more than they looked for the negative.

Positive tracking is wonderful life skill that children can attain.

Positive trackers have their antennae tuned in and constantly looking for:

• Things that go well for them
• Strong points about their own and other people’s character
• The good in even negative situations
• Other people’s successes
• Have the ability to reframe a negative into a positive

Not unsurprisingly, positive trackers are popular as they make others feel good. They are also more confident and appear more confident to others.

Martin Seligman, through his ground breaking work on optimism and pessimism, found that while some children were genetically predisposed to optimism and positive thinking the vast majority simply echoed their parents’ thinking styles. To be exact, Seligman found that boys and girls copied their mother’s positive or negative tracking styles

Why mothers? Children spend more time around them than they do around fathers is Seligman’s thinking.

Seligman’s research is brilliant news for parents. It shows that we can influence our children’s thinking styles and help them develop positive thinking habits. Anyone with a very positive or very negative mother can attest to the powerful affects that such thinking had on them. The affects can last a lifetime.

That’s why it is important for parents to learn the skills of positive tracking and optimism and apply them judiciously to their parenting, particularly in children’s early years.

There are four ways parents can influence children’s tracking styles:

1. Modelling: Quite simply children reflect what they hear and parents present a style of thinking about the world that children copy. Either the world is full of hope or helplessness. It’s a no-brainer for parents.

2. Reframing: Teach children to reframe negative events more positively. If things are rotten then look at the world through a different frame. Is it a problem or a challenge? Do kids make errors or do they produce more opportunities to learn? Get the picture.

3. Tune their antennae in to the positive: Get their antennae tuned into the good stuff. Acknowledge loss, fear and rejection then help them tune their antennae for the good things that may come their way.

4. Introduce kids to self-talk: As kids move toward adolescence discuss the notion of self-talk and how kids can change it if they want to. Try it yourself. It's powerful.

Positivity is a quality that is highly attractive. It is a magnetic quality that attracts good fortune, people and even achievement. It is also something that can be taught as well as caught.

Michael Grose
Parenting Educator
http://www.parentingideas.com.au/

Severe "shyness" in kids can be a sign of anxiety

Severe anxiety or "shyness" in kids can affect their ability to learn new things and hence, can severely affect their performance at school.

So early intervention here is definitely worthwhile.

In Australia, Fun Friends program is an option for parents to consider for their child, and it is based on Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) principles.  It is a group based program.  It helps the child to learn more about how to be "brave", how to understand thoughts and feelings are related, how to relax, how to learn new things through small achieveable steps, and in essence, learning how to be more emotionally intelligent and resilient.  This program is not suitable for every child so explore it with the facililator prior to starting. In Australia, these programs maybe available through your local schools or kindergarten so enquire there. 

You can also click on this link to find out more about the Fun Friends Program.

In my practice, I prefer to do this one on one rather than group based.  This is probably because I have never been trained in "crowd control"!  I try to highlight to parents that anxiety is neither good or bad.  It can be very good if you can "harness" it.  Overall my approach is to help parents to understand Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT) concepts, and then help parents to "coach" their child through co-regulation with these techniques and strategies.

This process helps both the child and the parent to become more "emotional intelligent"and resilient, because teaching is one of the best ways to learn.