Emotional literacy around how we think and process information

Have you noticed the following?

Some of us are great at processing and working with other people’s feelings. We are very tuned into the feelings of others. Our decision making is heavily influenced by the feelings of others. 

Some of us are great at processing and working with external rules and variables to make things workable. Workability is very important to us. We are more practical by nature.

Some of us are great at processing and working with our own internal rules and principles, and do things that make logical sense to us rather than relying on our feelings. We are more logical by nature.

Some of us are great with processing and working with our own feelings and values, and to stay authentic, true to who we are, and to maintain inner harmony.

Which one of the above do you struggle with the most?

Much of counseling is to help us “fill in any of the missing gaps” above.

Can medications help me zoom in and zoom out from my thoughts and feelings

When thinking about pharmacological solutions for folks with mood disorders, I tend to think in terms of “zooming in” and “zooming out” problems rather the the usual “chemical imbalance” theory.

For folks with excessive zooming in to thoughts and feelings, I tend to think about SSRI’s, SNRIs, Antidepressants in general, Quetiapine, Anitipsychotics etc as “numbing agents” or “detaching agents”. Interestingly, a few years ago at Griffith Uni, they trialed oral Ketamine for severe depression, which is very “detaching” in action.

For folks with “primary” excessive zooming out from thoughts and feelings, some of the above may have more “dissociative/detaching” side effects, so I would use it with a degree of caution.

I do wonder if we can view ADHD as a lack of zooming in OR “loose anchoring” to various thoughts and feelings, and hence, fleeting from one thing to another perhaps. Hence a “zooming in” agent like Dexamphetamine seems to make sense.

The challenge is, most mood disorders are not simply a zooming in problem, or a zooming out problem. Often there is a mix.

Some people have both extreme zooming in, and extreme zooming out problems, and a single drug is not going to be the whole answer unfortunately.

There’s no such thing as a “zooming in and zooming out drug according to context” is there?

Hence, many will have to do the hard work of learning how to zoom out on the things that don’t matter, or matter but can’t control, and zoom into the things that truly matter, or things that they can control.

How can we improve our motivation for positive change

In counseling and coaching, motivation is critical for change to occur because without motivation, one’s knowledge, resources, and skills cannot be mobilized. 

So how can we improve it?

1. We can try to link the “new desired behaviors” to their values and what’s relevant to them. When it’s linked to their values, it’s more emotive, motivating and sustainable.

2. We can try to increase the perceived rewards for doing the “new desired behaviors”.

3. We can try to reduce the perceived rewards for keeping the “existing unhelpful behaviors”.

4. We can try to increase the perceived pain and negative consequences for keeping the “unhelpful behaviors”.

5. We can try to reduce the perceived pain and negative consequences for taking on the “new desired behaviors”.

6. We can do a combination of the above. We can frame the rewards as a “pull motivation”, and pain/consequences as a “push motivation”. Often we have to do a bit of a pull, and a bit of a push all at the same time. How much of each, depends on their personality and context.

What’s is the difference between a punishment and a consequence

With parenting support and counseling, we often explore with parents about the difference between a punishment versus a consequence. 

This is important for the workplace as well, especially for those in management or leadership positions.

A punishment is emotive. Usually, it’s done with judgement, frustration, reactivity, or anger.

A consequence on the other hand, is often more emotionally neutral or compassionate, and less judgemental.

Why is this important?

When a punishment is perceived by the the child who is on the receiving end, it impacts on their connection/attachment with us. It may give them a message that the connection is “conditional” upon that certain expectation is met.

With “consequences” as the “optics”, it’s saying this has nothing to do with our relationship. I love and care for you no matter what. At the same time, these are the consequences to what we have done. That is life. But no matter what happens, I still love and care for you no matter what.

Not easy of course, especially when our needs are not met, and we are stressed due to life’s craziness. Parenting is truly the toughest job in the world. 

We make mistakes. We learn. We grow.

Using values in a more conscious way to guide our actions

In counseling, we often see “values” as a very powerful tool to guide people’s actions and behaviors. 

Values around justice and equality. 
Values around competence and excellence. 
Values around duty and responsibility. 

Values around freedom and autonomy.

Values around fun and novelty.
Values around compassion and kindness to name a few. 

Like any tool, we can use it consciously and with precision, or we can use it unconsciously and reactively. 

If we use a knife consciously and with precision to prepare food, then it’s wonderful. If we use the knife unconsciously and reactively, then it’s extremely dangerous. 

So what is the key point?

We often see people in the home, groups, and society, fighting/debating over the “utility of a value”, but often fail to debate over the “mindsets and skills” of the users. 

It’s like arguing over the usefulness of a knife or a drill. No one can deny that those are very useful. But if we give it to a young infant, then that may be a terrible idea. 

In history, we have seen “equality and justice” done badly at times. 

But if “equality and justice” can be done consciously, with the right mindset, with precision, and not reactively, then we may have a better world. 

The same goes with our other values and beliefs.

Learning to find balance

In counseling and coaching work, we often see folks at the extremes of various traits, and so we try to to help them “rebalance” that for better workability and adaptation.  

We see folks who see the world through “extreme logic”, and rely very little on “feelings”, so we help them to follow their heads but take their hearts with them. 

We see folks who see the world through “intense feelings”, and rely very little on “logic”, so we help them to follow their hearts but take their heads with them. 

We see folks who are extreme at following the “outer compass” or the crowd, and lose touch with who they are, so we help them to find themselves, their principles, values, and follow that more. 

We see folks who are extreme at following their “inner compass”, and forget that they do have to adapt to the world and conform at some level to function.  So we show them “outer empathy” and “group think” when required. 

As Family Doctors or Mental Healthcare Professionals, we have to be “multilingual” in order to understand and speak your “language”, and show you the other “languages” to balance, or at least understand and appreciate. 

How do we measure our self worth?

I often ask patients to do the following exercise as homework. 

Finish off these sentences for me....

1. I feel significant or adequate when .....
2. I feel insignificant or inadequate when .....
3. I am significant or adequate because .....

The common answers to the first question are....

When I achieve.
When I can be of service to others.
When others accept me.

The common answers to the second question are....

When I fail.
When I can’t help others.
When others reject or dislike me.

The common response to the third question is....

“I am not too sure”. They often struggle with this one for some reason.

It’s no wonder why so many of us have emotional vulnerability. Self esteem purely based on achievements, being of service to others, and how others feel about us, can be very fleeting and unstable.

Consider finding multiple ways of measuring our self worth, including values like kindness, authenticity, simply being who we are, growth focused, loyalty, curiosity, responsibility, hardworking which are less dependent on achievements, popularity, or other people’s opinions.

Once we feel significant, adequate or “enough”, it’s a great foundation from which we can face life’s many challenges.

Maybe you should try to answer those questions too.....

Mindfulness, zooming out and into our thoughts and feelings

As Family Doctors, we see a lot of people with worry.   But worry is not necessary a problem. It’s the “titration” that is the issue.

Like stress, too little stress is a problem with performance. Too much stress is also a problem with performance.

So how do we “titrate” the degree of stress or worry that is required for any given context?

With great difficulties, but we can try with a bit more emotional literacy.

Titration requires zooming in and zooming out.

The more we fused or zoom into a thought or feeling, the more we judge, stress, or worry about that.

The more we defuse, detach, or zoom out from a thought or feeling, the less we judge, stress, or worry about that.

Mindfulness helps one to “hold space” for the thoughts and feelings without getting sucked into the “vortex”.

Processing and working with the thoughts or feelings rather than being engulfed by them through excessive fusion or zoomed in. 

So good titration requires mindfulness along with good zooming in and zooming out functions.

Fix the stuff at the core rather the stuff on the surface

In counseling, we get the big “wins” from time to time.
These are the times when we can “collect the harvest” after “planting the seed”, nurturing and watering it.

One of those moments is when our patients make a shift from “I am not enough” to “I am enough”.

When this happens, everything in their life may suddenly change. On close analysis, nothing at all may have changed. The dramas are still there, but their perspective and relationship with the dramas may have changed.

So what’s the main point?

Fix the stuff at the “core belief” level or “behind the curtain”, and the stuff in the front of the curtain will organically change, or at least can be changed, with less difficulties.

Alleviate the loneliness to alleviate the fear and anxiety

I often see folks who suffer chronic loneliness, or even if they are not “lonely”, there connection with their tribe is very labile. It’s an insecure connection. They sense that they can lose it at anytime. 

Most of their connection is often conditional. Conditional on them being a certain way. Being agreeable perhaps. Being of a certain standard.

Like they say, everyone needs at least one source of unconditional love from at least one creature. If you don’t, you might be in trouble.

This can give them a lot of fear and anxiety, and if not resolved, are in a constant “fight or flight” response.

This “flight or flight” response will then emulate through all aspects of their lives. It can be very destructive, as they may “fight or flight” with whatever is in front of them.

Alleviate the loneliness, and the “fight or flight” may lessen. Challenge the “fight or flight”, and it might just escalate, worsen, and create more loneliness.

So how do we “fix” loneliness?

At a societal level, more education in relationships perhaps.  We can provide more support and create more opportunities for people to connect.  We can provide more support and create more opportunities for people to connect.  

At a primary care level, more support for families and individuals around what we are doing already, and possibly more interpersonal skills, parenting support work, family therapy work, couple counseling, and more counseling/coaching work in general.

I understand that it’s not easy, and at the same time, that may be what is required, to shift society in a more “positive” direction perhaps.

Gaining emotional literacy for better communication

One of the key skills for couples and groups is to be able to acknowledge each other’s position and point of view authentically. If not done authentically, it can sound condescending or avoidant.

So how does one acknowledge something authentically if we don’t have the emotional literacy to understand the other party’s perspective and personality style?

The answer is, with great difficulties.

In counseling, it’s common to observe that folks tend to interpret and judge what others say or do through their own lens, and personality styles. This will lead to a lot of misunderstanding, conflict, pain, and suffering.

A more accurate way is to interpret and judge what others say or do through the other person’s lens, and personality style.

A simple example would be an emotionally fused personality vs a more emotionally detached personality. The more emotionally detached personality style may say something in a very matter of fact tone and non emotive in nature. It’s a simple fact in their mind. The more emotionally fused personality style interprets that through their own lens as sounding very critical, insensitive, unfair, and harsh. Suddenly, we have an escalation on our hands.

Having better emotional literacy around this will assist in better understanding, acknowledgement, and communication for better relationships and collaboration.

How to leverage for better health

In golf, a small shift in the angle of the swing, will lead to a much bigger difference in the distance at the end point. A small shift at the core, will lead to a bigger shift on the surface. 

So in counseling, we try to fix the problem at the core rather on the surface. Behind the curtain rather than what’s in front of the curtain. It’s more efficient and effective that way.

Imagine if we can shift these 3 core beliefs for people.

1. From “I am not good enough” to “I am enough because I am who I am. I am not perfect but I will learn and grow throughout my life.”

2. From “toxic shame” and “I am not lovable” to ”I am lovable or likable”.

3. From “It will never change” to “Things can change in any given moment”.

What would the world look like then? 

Will we be healthier physically, emotional, and socially?

A simple life reminder around fear of failure

Life is like playing Angry Birds. We sometimes need to make two crappy moves to show us the right move.

Failures do not have to be “bad thing”. 

Helping couples to fulfill each other’s needs

When working with couples in distress, it’s common to see two unhappy people whose needs are not being met. Their “need tanks” are both empty.

So what are in those “need tanks”?

1 Physiologically needs like sleep.

2 Safety needs.

3 Feelings of significance.

4 Feelings of connection and belonging.

5 Needs around newness, growth, variety and novelty.

Being human, they then instinctively demand for these needs to be met by their partner, either outwardly or inwardly.

It’s like both people demanding fruit from a fruit tree, and the tree has been unwatered, neglected, or starved of nutrients and sunlight.

So in couple counseling, we aim to shift both people from “where’s my fruit”, to watering and caring for the trees first.

When we understand what needs are required from each other, it’s easier to fulfill those needs for each other. Once each other’s needs are fulfilled, the relationship will be much more fruitful. 

What is counseling in a nutshell

Going to counseling can be a bit daunting and scary for some people, so I often try to simplify it.

So what is counseling in a nutshell?

We show people strategies or “brain hacks” to “zoom out” on the things that don’t matter, or things that matter but we have no control over.

AND

We help folks to “zoom in” on the things that do matter, to create a life that is meaningful, true to who we are, AND at the same time, workable in the real world.

It’s not too mysterious. 

Some may think that it’s only relevant for those with a “mental health disorder”.  But it’s not.  It’s relevant for everyone really.  

To improve our lives, we have to see and fix the “stuff behind the curtain”, as well as the “stuff in front of us”

In counseling, we often need to see what’s in front of the curtain, AND what’s behind the curtain as well. 

If we see anger in front of the curtain, behind the curtain might be shame and disconnection.

If we see an avoidant partner in front of the curtain, behind the curtain might be, someone who has given up on trying to make their partner happy. They feel like a failure in some ways.

If we see a demanding and critical partner in front of the curtain, behind the curtain might be extreme sadness, disconnection and loneliness. They are desperately trying to reach out and bid for connection, but going about it in a non helpful way.

If we see a child misbehaving in front of the curtain, behind the curtain might be a child who feels disconnected from his/her family or friends.

We can try and fix the things in front of the curtain, but if we don’t address what’s behind the curtain, the problems will recur.

What is FACT and ACT, and how can it help you with your mental health

In Focused Acceptance Commitment Therapy (FACT) and Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT), we take a transdiagnostic approach to solve mental health problems. 

What does transdiagnostic mean?

We are not so much focused on the diagnosis, but more about the underlying process. We framed most mental health issues as being “stuck” or “excessive zoomed in” to a particular group of thoughts, feelings, or narratives. Our job then is to equip our patients with the emotional literacy and skills to:

1 Be aware and acknowledge this experience. 

2 Be aware that “being stuck” may have cost them a life of meaning and purpose through the “fight or flight” responses and experiential avoidance. Look at all important domains in their lives including work, family, friends, community, and rate those out of 10.  

3 Being aware that the “fight or flight” response is “hopeless” for moving forward, so let’s commit to an alternative path. 

4. Being mindful enough to unhook, defuse, or “zoom out” from our thoughts, feelings, or narratives, and perceive our mental space with more clarity. 

5. Being aware of a life that we want to create through identifying our values. 

6. Take committed actions with those values. 

7. Pursue and live a value driven life.

Stress is often a sign of unmet NEEDS

When we are showing excessive “fight or flight” responses with our friends, colleagues, and loved ones, it’s often a sign of stress. 

When we dig deeper, it’s usually a sign of NEEDs not met.

Like a plant without enough water, nutrients, and sunlight, it will show signs of stress and failure to thrive.

What needs are often not met?

1. Is it the “bio” physiological needs eg food, water, nutrition, sleep etc. Rate out of 10.

2. Is it the need for safety, security, and control? Rate out of 10.

3. Is it the need for connection? Rate out of 10.

4. Is it the need for newness, growth, and novelty? Rate out of 10.

The answers may guide us.

If the plant needs water. Give it water. If the plant need nutrients, give it nutrients. If the plant needs sunlight, give it sunlight. In that respect, we are not that much different.

Find what we need and try to fulfill that. Don’t be confused by our “fight or fight” responses, and blame the very thing in front of us or ourselves. It may not be the main problem at all.

It’s often a sign that our NEEDs are fundamentally not met.

If it’s “bio”, address that.
If it’s a lack of security and control, address that.
If it’s the lack of connection, address that.
If it’s a lack of newness, growth, and novelty, address that.

Being more “extreme in our personality styles” may create some challenges that we need to overcome

In counseling, we often see the “extreme” of personalities. Being outside the bell curve, these groups tend to face more challenges, as society is geared for the majority in the middle of the curve. 

They may run the risk of adjustment disorders, often manifesting as the “fight or flight” responses, if they and their families don’t know how to navigate it better. 

We see the extreme emotional personalities who follow their hearts, but don’t have enough “headiness” to ground them. They may struggle with excessive drama in their lives. 

We see the extreme “heady” people, who don’t have enough emotional sensitivity to soften them and empathize with others. They may struggle with social interactions and relationships. 

We see the extreme “outer compass” folks who care for the opinions of others too much that they forget who they are and to be who they are. 

We see the extreme “inner compass” folks who know who they are, what they want, but find it hard to follow and conform to social norms and expectations. 

We see the extreme extroverted folks who live outside their heads frequently, but need more quiet moments to deeply reflect. 

We see the extreme introverted folks who prefer to live inside their heads, but need to get outside more to seek and explore the outside world experiences. 

There are many more....

“Togetherness” and drama are on the opposites of the same coin

“Togetherness” is great because life is truly a team sport. The trouble is, togetherness brings with it lots of dramas. 

When drama escalates to a certain point, many of us may want to run away from it. This is experiential avoidance. This leads to another set of problems. There is now less togetherness and connectedness. 

Togetherness, connection, relationships, friendships, work relationships, and families are on the same coin as drama. They are on the opposite sides of the same coin. We can’t have one without the other. 

Choose togetherness, but make sure we don’t run away from dramas too easily. There are ones that we do have to run away from of course due to safety reasons. 

For many cases, we have to learn how to deal with the dramas in more healthy ways.  Hard work for sure but a worthwhile pursuit.