The Three Parts of Driving Through Life: Fuel, Brakes and Steering

In counseling work for ADHD, I often use the metaphor of driving a car and simplifications around this for workability.

We have the fuel and the gas pedal to accelerate. This is like “zooming in”, sympathetic nervous system, stress, adrenaline, noradrenaline, cortisol, dopamine, and stimulants.

We have our brakes and shock absorbers. This is like our “zooming out”, parasympathetic nervous system, serotonin, antidepressants, relationships, oxytocin, antipsychotics, clonidine, guanfacine.

But many may forget that we have to drive/steer this car as well. Knowing where to go. Which direction. How to use our Sat Nav. Knowing our blind spots with rear and side mirrors. Mindful of what is on our dashboard. Getting along with our co-passengers and aligning destinations with them. Which time frame are we focusing on because this car can also Time Travel. It can take us to the past, present or future.

And most importantly, are we on autopilot or manual?

The challenge is to know where the primary problem is.

If the problem is no fuel, then easy. Give more fuel. If the problem is not enough brakes, then give better brakes. If the problem is in the driving/steering, then skill building here is required through counseling. 

The biggest challenge is that the problem is often all of the above and driving/steering this Time Machine is not easy. And a word of caution, if we add acceleration to poor steering, then problems can magnify. 

Your Blindspots May Be Creating Your Biggest Problems

Many of us make decisions by unconsciously balancing 4 things: 

1. Is it practical and workable in the real world?
2. Does it make logical sense and fit the facts?
3. Does it keep the people around us happy and maintain relationships?
4. Does it feel right to us and help us sleep at night? 

The challenge is that these 4 things do not always line up.

If we neglect ourselves, we risk burnout.
If we neglect relationships, we risk conflict and disconnection.
If we neglect facts and reality, we risk poor decisions.
If we neglect practicality, we risk getting stuck and taking no action.

We all have blindspots. Some people naturally lean towards logic and problem solving. Others naturally lean towards people and emotions.

Part of good self-care is good self-awareness.

It is worthwhile to reflect on our recurring struggles as it can point out our specific blindspots? Knowing them can help guide us towards better solutions including specific skill building or collaboration with those who can scaffold for our blindspot/s and we can scaffold for theirs. 

Is Depression the End Stage of Anxiety?

We often talk about anxiety and depression as separate conditions, but in real life, they so often coexist. Sometimes, I wonder whether what we call “depression” can actually look like late-stage, unresolved anxiety.

When life stops aligning with our values, expectations, or basic emotional needs, stress and anxiety naturally rise. Our nervous system shifts into fight/flight/freeze. If this state becomes chronic, it slowly drains us leading to fatigue, helplessness, hopelessness, and “burnout”. It then can affect multiple domains of our lives.

At a certain point, something else can happen.

When our care factor drops to near zero, the anxiety may ease, but in its place comes a depressed mood, with loss of motivation, meaning and purpose.

Many people we see are right at this junction, oscillating between anxious distress and emotional numbness/depressed mood.

This is why early stress and anxiety management matters so much.

If we can support people early, we don’t just reduce anxiety, we may prevent deeper depression.

Understanding the Purpose of Our Emotions (DBT Framework)

In my counseling work, I often highlight to my patients the 3 main key functions of an emotion based on DBT Dialectical Behavioural Therapy originally developed by Dr Marsha Linehan. 

1. It activates us into action. Without it, there may be less “urge” or compulsion to act. No action may result in no/little outcome or impact and at the same time, action can be helpful or destructive depending on context.

2. It helps us to communicate with others in a more holistic and non verbal kind of way. Nothing needs to be said and communication can still occur.

3. It helps us to communicate with ourselves and guides us to move towards a life that matters to us, our values/conscience, and to the people we care about.

Without it, we may be lost and without meaning and purpose.

The problem is, if we do not know how to process/use our feelings/emotions properly and avoid/suppress it due to discomfort, we may become lost, stuck with unresolved conflict, and not able to live a life truer to self.

Part of therapy is to raise more aware, acknowledge and equip us with better emotional literacy, to improve our emotional wellbeing and our overall physical, psychological and social health.

Close Enough to Care, Steady Enough to Help

When we care for someone who’s struggling whether we’re a doctor, nurse, carer, parent or friend, it’s natural to feel their pain.

But real compassion means being present with someone’s emotions, not absorbed by them.

One of the many important life skills is to cultivate mindfulness/holding space for the feelings and emotions of others especially with the “uncomfortable painful ones”. It can often be very difficult for many of us to do.

Not too fused or “zoomed into” the feelings and emotions of others but not too detached or “zoomed out” either. 

Too fused or “zoomed into” the feelings and emotions of others and we may “catch it”, suffer with them, burn out and get compassion fatigue.

Too detached or “zoomed out” and we may risk losing empathy, connection and miss the subtle emotional signals behind their communications with us. 

Mindfulness with “the feelings of others” is the “sweet spot”. Not too close but not too far either. 

Emotional Literacy — The Language We All Need to Learn

In counseling work, I often explain to patients that feelings and emotions are like a language.

Some people understands very little of it.

Some people understand a bit and say a bit.

Some people can understand a lot but can’t speak it very well.

Some people are very fluent at it through deep understanding and expression.

Some people use this language well with others but not with themselves. 

Part of counseling is to reflect on what level we are at in the “feeling and emotional language”. From there, both acceptance and pivot for change with clarity is important.

If we cannot understand or speak French, and our context requires us to understand or speak French, then we need to consider learning French.

The same goes for the “Feelings and Emotional Language”.

Is It Intuition or Emotion? Learning to Tell the Difference

In counseling, one of the key skills in understanding your feelings is learning the difference between an intuition and an emotion.

They can both feel similar, but they serve different purposes.

So what is an Intuition?

Intuition is like your inner knowing — a calm sense or “gut feeling” that gives you information without needing strong emotion.  It’s often steady, quiet, and reliable.  You might not know why you feel it, but it often turns out to be true or helpful.  Think of it like a fact in your feeling language — it gives clarity. 

What is an Emotion?

Emotion is a stronger reaction — like anger, fear, excitement, or sadness.  It often comes with a body sensation (heart racing, tense shoulders) and a push to act — to say or do something right away.  Emotions are less steady, more changeable, more subjected to biases, and can shift depending on the situation.  They’re not bad — they give us energy to act — but they may not always be the best guide for clarity and decision making. 

An Easy Analogy:

If intuition is like a fact, then emotion is like an opinion or judgment about that fact.

Facts give us clarity.

Opinions give us motivation — but they can also change quickly.

In the ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) framework, when we’re fused with emotion, we feel pulled to act right away — we’re caught up in the story or feeling. 

When we defuse, we step back, breathe, and notice the feeling without reacting — we get more space to have more clarity and choose what matters.  This is being mindful with feelings. 

So, when your feeling is steady and calm, that might be intuition.  When your feeling is strong and urgent, that’s more likely an emotion.

So next time you feel something, ask yourself: 

“Is this a calm knowing… or a strong urge?” 

That question alone can help you respond with clarity rather than impulse.

Helping Kids with ADHD/ASD Through the “4 Smarts”

I recently shared a talk with parents of children with ADHD/ASD, drawing on my experience in ACT, CBT, parenting support, and counselling.

Many of these kids have an incredible thinking mind — they shine in Critical Thinking Smart and Practical Smart. Unfortunately, school and home life don’t always nurture these strengths, especially in the earlier years when tasks and subjects may feel irrelevant. This mismatch can lead to disengagement.

Where children with ADHD/ASD often need the most support is in the feeling-based smarts:

1. Social Smart – connecting with others, building collaboration, empathy and harmony.

2. Self Smart – emotional regulation, self-awareness, resilience, self-compassion, and deep self-acceptance.

When these areas aren’t supported, children can feel out of balance, and challenges at school and at home can quickly grow. 

The key?

Helping children integrate all four smarts — so that their strengths are recognised, their challenges are scaffolded, and they are supported to thrive both in learning and in life.

The Hidden Cost of Masking: Supporting Neurodivergent Mental Health

When I work with individuals who are navigating ADHD or Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), the term “masking” often comes up in conversation. 

But what exactly is masking, and why does it have such a negative impact on mental health?

To me, masking occurs when someone feels unable to live a life that is true to themselves—because when they try, it simply doesn’t work in their current context. This process can be either conscious or unconscious. Masking carries what I call an “emotional debt,” and over time, excessive masking can lead to “emotional bankruptcy” or burnout.

So, what can we do from a psychotherapy perspective?

We can support our patients by helping them clearly define their values and what truly matters to them. From there, we work together to pursue a life that feels more authentic—while also finding ways to make that life workable within the external world.

Bridging the Gap: How to Align Your Inner World with Outer Demands for ADHD Success

ADHD can often feel like a constant battle between your inner thoughts/feelings and the demands of the outside world. Many people with ADHD may experience a powerful disconnect: their minds zoom in on personal values and internal thoughts, while the external environment demands their attention elsewhere. This mismatch can lead to significant challenges in daily life with adjustment difficulties. 

When your internal values conflict with external expectations, it creates a unique kind of struggle. For instance, you might be deeply passionate about a project but find it hard to focus on tasks that others expect you to prioritize. This disconnect can trigger feelings of anxiety, stress, frustration and low self-esteem, often framed as a "mismatch of focus" rather than a simple focus issue. It can create a lot of misunderstandings from others as well as from self.  

The consequences of this mismatch can be profound. Individuals may experience:

1. Increased Anxiety.  The pressure to conform to external demands can lead to overwhelming feelings of inadequacy and resentment.  I would frame this as secondary anxiety rather than a primary problem.

2. Stress and Burnout.  Constantly switching focus can be exhausting, leading to physical, mental, and social fatigue.  This will ultimately affect our biopsychosocial health i.e. our physical health, psychological health, and our social health.

3. Low Self-Esteem.  Repeated struggles can cause individuals to doubt their abilities and self worth.

Recognizing that this is not merely a focus issue but a deeper alignment problem is crucial for acceptance and personal growth.

So what can we do to improve our situation?

1. Cultivate Awareness and Mindfulness.

Begin by recognizing this mismatch without placing blame on yourself or your surroundings. Practice mindfulness techniques, such as meditation or journaling, to hold space for your thoughts/feelings. This awareness is the first step toward change.

2.  Emotional Acceptance.
Allow yourself to feel and accept the tension between your inner and outer worlds. Instead of resisting these feelings, acknowledge and "hold space" for them. This acceptance can provide clarity and renew your energy.  From here, you can pivot for change and personal growth. 

3. Create an Aligned Environment.

Focus on finding or creating contexts that resonate with your inner values but are still workable in the external world.  This might mean adjusting your work to make it more conducive to your needs, seeking out supportive relationships, or changing your daily routines to better align with your inner values/interests. 

4. Set Realistic Goals.
Break tasks into manageable chunks that align with your values/interests. Setting small, achievable goals can help bridge the gap between your internal desires and external demands.

5. Seek Support.
Don’t hesitate to reach out for support, whether through therapy, support groups, or friends who understand your challenges.  Sharing your experiences can provide validation and new perspectives.  You are not alone!

The ultimate goal is to help individuals with ADHD accept, embrace, and fine-tune their inner thinking/values while making it workable in the external world. By learning to align your focus, you can reduce anxiety and improve self-esteem.  There is less friction and the need to "mask".  This journey is not just about managing ADHD; it’s about embracing your unique way of thinking and finding strategies that work for you and your context.  Metaphorically speaking, you are like a "Mac Computer" in a "Microsoft World" or vice versa.

If you found this helpful, please share it with friends or on social media using the hashtags #ADHD #MentalHealth #Mindfulness. Together, we can increase awareness and better emotional literacy around this topic.