How couples can unhook in a conflict or disagreement

The mind is a wonderful tool, but it’s often a tool many of our patients find very hard to manage.

In relationships, we often have the reactive “fight or flight” responses with unintended consequences. It’s hard to unhook from this “fight or flight” response in a heated moment.

So what is a simple way to “unhook” from this reactive “fight or flight” response in our relationships.

We can simply view our life like making a film or movie of our life story. In a reactive heated moment, when our feeling mind takes charge, we can simply pause and ask our partner for a “Take 2”. Something that is agreed to prior.

“Can we do a Take 2” or something similar, may be just enough to do a retake, and stop the spiral into the fight and flight responses.

Conflict is inevitable in any long term relationships. Knowing how to repair and forgive is important to ensure success

In any long term relationship, conflict is inevitable due to difference in our goals, values, beliefs, and cognitive processes. 

Having the ability to repair and forgive is often critical for the long term success of that relationship.

The problem is, many will fall into the trap of avoidance and resentment, OR anger and frustration. 

Repair requires mindfulness, holding space for each other, authentic acknowledgement, and reengagement. Forgiveness requires emotional acceptance which is challenging for most of us isn’t it?

Helping our children to be aware of their “Love Languages”

When looking after kids, one of things to be aware of is their “Love Languages”. 

There are 5 Love Languages described by Dr Gary Chapman. These are essentially values and beliefs around “how do we measure love and connection”. 

So love and connection is measured by ....

1. Quality time 
2. Acts of services
3. Words of affirmation
4. Gifts
5. Physical affection 

The ones who have “words of acknowledgement” as their primary “love language”, is the most vulnerable to criticisms at schools, home, or on social media. 

If not careful, these kids can feel very disconnected, and through disconnection, can lead to a lot of shame, fear and anxiety. 

If we can give them and their families the emotional literacy to understand this, it may help them to better navigate or defuse from those thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. 

Alleviate the loneliness to alleviate the fear and anxiety

I often see folks who suffer chronic loneliness, or even if they are not “lonely”, there connection with their tribe is very labile. It’s an insecure connection. They sense that they can lose it at anytime. 

Most of their connection is often conditional. Conditional on them being a certain way. Being agreeable perhaps. Being of a certain standard.

Like they say, everyone needs at least one source of unconditional love from at least one creature. If you don’t, you might be in trouble.

This can give them a lot of fear and anxiety, and if not resolved, are in a constant “fight or flight” response.

This “flight or flight” response will then emulate through all aspects of their lives. It can be very destructive, as they may “fight or flight” with whatever is in front of them.

Alleviate the loneliness, and the “fight or flight” may lessen. Challenge the “fight or flight”, and it might just escalate, worsen, and create more loneliness.

So how do we “fix” loneliness?

At a societal level, more education in relationships perhaps.  We can provide more support and create more opportunities for people to connect.  We can provide more support and create more opportunities for people to connect.  

At a primary care level, more support for families and individuals around what we are doing already, and possibly more interpersonal skills, parenting support work, family therapy work, couple counseling, and more counseling/coaching work in general.

I understand that it’s not easy, and at the same time, that may be what is required, to shift society in a more “positive” direction perhaps.

Gaining emotional literacy for better communication

One of the key skills for couples and groups is to be able to acknowledge each other’s position and point of view authentically. If not done authentically, it can sound condescending or avoidant.

So how does one acknowledge something authentically if we don’t have the emotional literacy to understand the other party’s perspective and personality style?

The answer is, with great difficulties.

In counseling, it’s common to observe that folks tend to interpret and judge what others say or do through their own lens, and personality styles. This will lead to a lot of misunderstanding, conflict, pain, and suffering.

A more accurate way is to interpret and judge what others say or do through the other person’s lens, and personality style.

A simple example would be an emotionally fused personality vs a more emotionally detached personality. The more emotionally detached personality style may say something in a very matter of fact tone and non emotive in nature. It’s a simple fact in their mind. The more emotionally fused personality style interprets that through their own lens as sounding very critical, insensitive, unfair, and harsh. Suddenly, we have an escalation on our hands.

Having better emotional literacy around this will assist in better understanding, acknowledgement, and communication for better relationships and collaboration.

Helping couples to fulfill each other’s needs

When working with couples in distress, it’s common to see two unhappy people whose needs are not being met. Their “need tanks” are both empty.

So what are in those “need tanks”?

1 Physiologically needs like sleep.

2 Safety needs.

3 Feelings of significance.

4 Feelings of connection and belonging.

5 Needs around newness, growth, variety and novelty.

Being human, they then instinctively demand for these needs to be met by their partner, either outwardly or inwardly.

It’s like both people demanding fruit from a fruit tree, and the tree has been unwatered, neglected, or starved of nutrients and sunlight.

So in couple counseling, we aim to shift both people from “where’s my fruit”, to watering and caring for the trees first.

When we understand what needs are required from each other, it’s easier to fulfill those needs for each other. Once each other’s needs are fulfilled, the relationship will be much more fruitful. 

To improve our lives, we have to see and fix the “stuff behind the curtain”, as well as the “stuff in front of us”

In counseling, we often need to see what’s in front of the curtain, AND what’s behind the curtain as well. 

If we see anger in front of the curtain, behind the curtain might be shame and disconnection.

If we see an avoidant partner in front of the curtain, behind the curtain might be, someone who has given up on trying to make their partner happy. They feel like a failure in some ways.

If we see a demanding and critical partner in front of the curtain, behind the curtain might be extreme sadness, disconnection and loneliness. They are desperately trying to reach out and bid for connection, but going about it in a non helpful way.

If we see a child misbehaving in front of the curtain, behind the curtain might be a child who feels disconnected from his/her family or friends.

We can try and fix the things in front of the curtain, but if we don’t address what’s behind the curtain, the problems will recur.

“Togetherness” and drama are on the opposites of the same coin

“Togetherness” is great because life is truly a team sport. The trouble is, togetherness brings with it lots of dramas. 

When drama escalates to a certain point, many of us may want to run away from it. This is experiential avoidance. This leads to another set of problems. There is now less togetherness and connectedness. 

Togetherness, connection, relationships, friendships, work relationships, and families are on the same coin as drama. They are on the opposite sides of the same coin. We can’t have one without the other. 

Choose togetherness, but make sure we don’t run away from dramas too easily. There are ones that we do have to run away from of course due to safety reasons. 

For many cases, we have to learn how to deal with the dramas in more healthy ways.  Hard work for sure but a worthwhile pursuit. 

Shifting our relationship with thoughts and feelings from unhealthy to healthy

In counseling, I often observe the following patterns in our patients around their relationship with thoughts and feelings. 

1. Subconscious and reactive to internal and external thoughts of others. This may lead to unhealthy OCD features with various themes depending on the content of those thoughts. 

2.  Subconscious and reactive to their feelings and the feelings of others. These may lead to excessive impulsivity, drama, and relational issues.  

3. Conscious, deliberate, and mindful with internal and external thoughts, leading to more meaningful and effective actions. 

4. Conscious, deliberate, and mindful with their feelings and the feelings of others, leading to more meaningful and effective actions. 

Counseling is often about introducing folks to more of the latter two experiences, in order to regain balance and make No.1 and No.2 more reliable over time.

The importance of emotional literacy in helping families resolve their internal conflict

Over the years, I have had opportunities to look after families where siblings are fighting intensely with each other. Some fought over money. Some fought over a will. Some fought over love. Some fought over differing responsibilities. 

Of course, this could be a fight over anything due to differing values and beliefs, AND also the way they think and process information. They truly think differently, but don’t quite have the emotional language or literacy to understand the “what”, “how, and “why” they think differently. 

As a result, they will continue to fight.
Some flight.
Some completely avoid and stonewall.

But ultimately, they fought because they don’t quite get each other.

The real question is, do we get each other, or even get ourselves for that matter.

Once we “get it”, the genuine acknowledgment and appreciation will occur authentically and organically.

Sometimes, out of stress and frustration, we may demand those things. Often it doesn’t turn out the way that we want it to turn out.

But we can change that....

Consider focusing on improving our emotional literacy. That’s a good start.

Helping couples to avoid falling into the traps of the “fight or flight” responses in their relationships

In couple counseling, when in conflict, we often see one party demands, and the other party defends, and this may escalate until both parties avoid and stonewall. It breeds resentment and contempt. This then gets repeated over and over again until the demise of that relationship. 

 
It doesn’t have to be that way.

It’s what Gottman named “The 4 Horsemen”.

1. Criticism
2. Defensiveness
3. Contemptuous
4. Stonewalling

If a relationship is showing all 4 signs consistently, that’s bad news, unless we can shift that.

So how can we shift that?

1. First awareness.
2. Align our goals.
3. Be present, mindful, zoom out, and “create space” for thoughts and feelings before acting impulsively on those with our “fight or flight” responses.
4. Gain emotional literacy to understanding ourselves and our partner so that we can genuinely acknowledge and appreciate each other, rather blame each other for being different.
5. We reconnect when we are disconnected, rather than allowing the sense of disconnection triggers our “fight or flight” responses.
6. We resolve our conflict through acknowledgment, acceptance and assertiveness, rather than the usual “fight or flight” responses.

It’s tough. It’s definitely not easy. But like they say, difficult roads lead to beautiful destinations.

Learning to live a more authentic life in a healthy way

Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT) is a wonderful framework to assist folks with living a life congruent with their values and being true to who they are. One can use the term “being authentic” perhaps. This will ensure greater “inner harmony”. 

Having said that, there is one thing we may need to highlight. There is “healthy authenticity”, and there is “unhealthy authenticity”.

Healthy authenticity is living a life true to who we are and at the same time, really encourage others to live a life true to who they are too. We are accepting of self AND of others.

Unhealthy authenticity is living a life true to who we are, but then expect others to conform to our values. We are accepting of self but not of others.

Knowing where we are is important. Reflective but not critical will assist us with this balance.

In relationship conflicts, we help the fighter softens and the flighter to reengage

When couples are struggling in their relationship, there’s often the “fight or flight” response at play. It’s a relationship under stress. 

There’s usually the “fighter”, and the “flighter”.

Of course, sometimes we see two “fighters”, which can be quite dangerous and volatile. Sometimes we see two “flighters”, who may have essentially given up.

In couple counseling, through being more present, better understanding and emotional literacy, we try to help the “fighter” softens so that the “flighter” can reengage with less fear, and we try to help the “flighter” reengages so that the “fighter” do not misread the “flighter” as not caring, and softens.

This is done with safety in mind of course. Not easy, but definitely a worthwhile pursuit.

How can we deal with the “storms” within our relationships

In counseling, I often like to talk about Tuchman’s 4 stages of group dynamics when it comes down to group conflict at work or homes, and for couples. 

1 The forming of the group. There’s no conflict and everything seems okay on the surface. We are polite to each other. We don’t want any conflict. Things are still new. It’s interesting, novel, and exciting. It’s the “honeymoon” period. 

2 The “storming” which is often inevitable. We are now able to express our differences in opinions, values and beliefs. We are now “more real” which is a great thing, if we can manage it well. If we cannot manage it well, we run the risk of being stuck in a “storm” of fight or flight responses, and if we are not careful, we can take this experience with us into other domains of our lives. This will inevitably create more storms. 

3 The “norming”. We come to the true “emotional acceptance” that we are all different. We have different values and beliefs. We have different ways of thinking. We now have the emotional literacy to appreciate and acknowledge each other and to ourselves that none of us are perfect. Every positive has a negative, and negative has a positive. Two or more opposing ideas and beliefs can coexist, and complement each other. When one is right, the other one doesn’t necessarily have to be wrong.

4 The “performing” which is the exciting bit. At this stage, we truly realize that life is a team sport, and we are able to bring the diverse personalities together and work towards a common meaning and purpose. 

So the real question is, how often do we find ourselves stuck in the middle of the “storm”. 

What do we do in the “storm”?

Do we “norm” to perform, or do we stay or run away?

How to repair after a conflict in our relationships

Festive seasons will bring families together, and when families are together, some conflict and tension will invariably occur. 

In any meaningful relationships, there will be conflicts. It’s inevitable. Being aware, and knowing how to repair, is an “absolute must have” skill in any relationship work. If we are able repair something, there will be less fear of it going astray.

So how do we repair?

Acknowledge and “allow space” for the other person’s point of view and their feelings.

Acknowledge and “allow space” for our own point of view and feelings.

With the values around care, compassion, and being solution orientated, we move forward with aligned goals and shared values.

Using the toolbox above, think Y-Axis of acceptance/acknowledgement, and be assertive guided by our values, rather than the X-Axis of avoidance and aggression (flight or fight response).

How to be aware and shift our dialogue to improve our relationships

In couple counseling and conflict resolution, it’s often to see the following dialogue examples between person A with “Filter A”, and person B with “Filter B”. “Filters” represent our values, beliefs, and past experiences in the diagram above. 

Person A says, “It’s a square”.

Person B says, “It’s a rectangle”.

Person A says, “I don’t know why you keep saying it’s a rectangle when it’s a clearly a square.”

Person A says, “I can see why you say it’s a rectangle, but you are wrong. It’s a square.”

In couple counseling and conflict resolution, we try to shift the above dialogue to....

“Okay, so you see it as a rectangle. Can you tell me more so that I can understand?”

“I can see why it seems like a rectangle to you, AND at the same time, I see it as a square. I wonder how we can move forward with that?”

“Ahh, it’s a prism, and we are both correct in our own way.”

“Okay, so in this context, which way of seeing is the most helpful?”

Coaching couples to be more defuse, present, and more acknowledging of the other person’s perspective, rather than being critical/defensive/avoidant, is key in conflict resolution. It’s not easy of course, with our strong fight or flight response. It’s only human. Awareness, patience, and practice, will help our relationships move towards positive change.

Working through the “storms” in your relationships

When a two or more individuals with different personalities, backgrounds, past experiences, and biases are in a personal or working relationship with each other, there will be challenges.

With any group dynamics, we will go through 4 stages of group development as described by Psychologist Bruce Tuckman.

1. The forming
2. The storming
3. The norming
4. The performing

The storming is inevitable for us to get to the “norming” and “performing” stages it seems. If we ride through these storms together, over time with acceptance, openness, honesty, and a positive regard for one another, then we have hope.

So how do we get through the storm?

1. We need to align our goals. Two or more different individuals with aligned goals equal a great adaptive team. Two or more different individuals without aligned goals equal a war.

2. We need to connect when we are disconnected. When one feels disconnected, the rational thing to do is to reconnect. However, people don’t often do this. They often fall into the trap of withdrawing or criticising, which makes the disconnection worse. Be careful of this trap.

3. We need to resolve our conflicts through a positive regard for one another, accept and appreciate each other’s differences, and move forward together with aligned, value driven goals. Again, be careful not to fall into the usual trap of the fight or flight response with withdrawing or criticizing.

None of this is easy of course, but it is possible.

Storms will come and go, and yes, they are inevitable. 

Are you a Self Sacrificer?

In Schema Therapy, “self sacrifice” is defined as excessive focus on voluntarily meeting the needs of others in daily situations, at the expense of one's own gratification.  The most common reasons are:  to prevent causing pain to others;  to avoid guilt from feeling selfish;  or to maintain the connection with others perceived as needy .  Often results from an acute sensitivity to the pain of others. Sometimes leads to a sense that one's own needs are not being adequately met and to resentment of those who are taken care of. (It can overlap with concept of codependency.)

Of course it can be good for society, but if excessive, it can be problematic, especially if it’s not balanced with adequate self care. It’s hard to give, what we don’t have. 

When our needs are not met, and our self care is neglected, our mind may default into the self preservation mode of “what about me”.

The problem is, when “self sacrificers” put their needs first, they tend to feel bad or guilty, and this will create an inner conflict between self sacrifice, and “what about me”. This will increase the chance of stress and burnout.

So how can we minimize or mitigate this?

Simply be aware, defuse or unhook from our “self sacrifice” schema, accept that every superpower has its own Kryptonite, and remember the mantra of oxygen mask on us first, so that we can look after many. Looking after ourselves first does not equal selfishness. It’s looking at the bigger picture. 

Reference: schematherapy.com

The inner harmony vs outer harmony in decision making

Have you ever experienced the inner conflict of doing something that would make others happy but at the expense of your own happiness?

If yes, then how can we process that emotion and make a decision that we can be at peace with?

Decision making can depend on whether we want outer harmony or inner harmony. 

It would be great if we can have both, but at times, we may have to choose one over the other and then be at peace with that. This will require self awareness, acceptance, emotional literacy and emotional processing. 

To achieve outer harmony, follow the values and thinking of others. 

To achieve inner harmony, follow your inner principles and values. 

Remember to connect when feeling disconnected

I often see couples regularly who are desperately trying to reconnect but doing all the things that make the disconnection worse. It’s a lose lose situation. We have 2 miserable people and unhappy children. 

They tend to criticize, blame, get defensive, get angry or frustrated (Fight response)

Or they tend to avoid, run away, or stone wall. (Flight/freeze)

Or they tend to take turns at doing the above. (Fight or flight)

It’s a viscous cycle. 

The moral of the story is to connect when disconnected AND not fight or flight. 

So why do we still do this destructive thing of fight or flight once we are aware?

Feelings. Feelings of loneliness, disconnection leading to fear and anxiety along with other fear and anxiety, leading to anger, sadness, frustration, resentment of now and the past, and now we have a messy “emotional soup”. 

Awareness is not enough for change for many as folks are not completely “rational”. 

For some folks, when feeling disconnected, they lash out, criticize, blame as a bid for connection instead of trying to reconnect. This is quite normal for “passionate” personalities. 

The other then freaks out at that “lashing out”. Of course, they don’t see it as a bid for connection.  They see it as ....  Oh my God, my partner hates me. I can’t make them happy. Nothing I do is right and then they get defensive, flee, avoid, or stone wall. 

That is of course another bid for connection but the other will see the avoidance and “fleeing” as ..  See, you don’t care. 

The misunderstanding/pattern continues. 

This pattern works “okay“ in a parent child relationship but tends not to work very well in adult adult relationship. Hence we need to learn a new pattern.

In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we try and learn a new pattern of acknowledgement and reconnection.  One has to “soften” and the other one has to be courageous and reengage. Mindsets need to shift as well from a “What about me”/transactional mindset to a “I care about you no matter what so tell me more so that I can understand”.  Many roads to get there and difficult because changing beliefs and habits are difficult, but like they say.... Difficult roads lead to beautiful destinations. 

Reference: Gottman Institute and EFT/Emotionally Focused Therapy