In relationship conflicts, we help the fighter softens and the flighter to reengage

When couples are struggling in their relationship, there’s often the “fight or flight” response at play. It’s a relationship under stress. 

There’s usually the “fighter”, and the “flighter”.

Of course, sometimes we see two “fighters”, which can be quite dangerous and volatile. Sometimes we see two “flighters”, who may have essentially given up.

In couple counseling, through being more present, better understanding and emotional literacy, we try to help the “fighter” softens so that the “flighter” can reengage with less fear, and we try to help the “flighter” reengages so that the “fighter” do not misread the “flighter” as not caring, and softens.

This is done with safety in mind of course. Not easy, but definitely a worthwhile pursuit.

How to repair after a conflict in our relationships

Festive seasons will bring families together, and when families are together, some conflict and tension will invariably occur. 

In any meaningful relationships, there will be conflicts. It’s inevitable. Being aware, and knowing how to repair, is an “absolute must have” skill in any relationship work. If we are able repair something, there will be less fear of it going astray.

So how do we repair?

Acknowledge and “allow space” for the other person’s point of view and their feelings.

Acknowledge and “allow space” for our own point of view and feelings.

With the values around care, compassion, and being solution orientated, we move forward with aligned goals and shared values.

Using the toolbox above, think Y-Axis of acceptance/acknowledgement, and be assertive guided by our values, rather than the X-Axis of avoidance and aggression (flight or fight response).

How to be aware and shift our dialogue to improve our relationships

In couple counseling and conflict resolution, it’s often to see the following dialogue examples between person A with “Filter A”, and person B with “Filter B”. “Filters” represent our values, beliefs, and past experiences in the diagram above. 

Person A says, “It’s a square”.

Person B says, “It’s a rectangle”.

Person A says, “I don’t know why you keep saying it’s a rectangle when it’s a clearly a square.”

Person A says, “I can see why you say it’s a rectangle, but you are wrong. It’s a square.”

In couple counseling and conflict resolution, we try to shift the above dialogue to....

“Okay, so you see it as a rectangle. Can you tell me more so that I can understand?”

“I can see why it seems like a rectangle to you, AND at the same time, I see it as a square. I wonder how we can move forward with that?”

“Ahh, it’s a prism, and we are both correct in our own way.”

“Okay, so in this context, which way of seeing is the most helpful?”

Coaching couples to be more defuse, present, and more acknowledging of the other person’s perspective, rather than being critical/defensive/avoidant, is key in conflict resolution. It’s not easy of course, with our strong fight or flight response. It’s only human. Awareness, patience, and practice, will help our relationships move towards positive change.

Working through the “storms” in your relationships

When a two or more individuals with different personalities, backgrounds, past experiences, and biases are in a personal or working relationship with each other, there will be challenges.

With any group dynamics, we will go through 4 stages of group development as described by Psychologist Bruce Tuckman.

1. The forming
2. The storming
3. The norming
4. The performing

The storming is inevitable for us to get to the “norming” and “performing” stages it seems. If we ride through these storms together, over time with acceptance, openness, honesty, and a positive regard for one another, then we have hope.

So how do we get through the storm?

1. We need to align our goals. Two or more different individuals with aligned goals equal a great adaptive team. Two or more different individuals without aligned goals equal a war.

2. We need to connect when we are disconnected. When one feels disconnected, the rational thing to do is to reconnect. However, people don’t often do this. They often fall into the trap of withdrawing or criticising, which makes the disconnection worse. Be careful of this trap.

3. We need to resolve our conflicts through a positive regard for one another, accept and appreciate each other’s differences, and move forward together with aligned, value driven goals. Again, be careful not to fall into the usual trap of the fight or flight response with withdrawing or criticizing.

None of this is easy of course, but it is possible.

Storms will come and go, and yes, they are inevitable. 

We did a talk for final year Medical Students on how to survive and thrive in their career

We explore strategies to help final year Medical Students survive and thrive in their career.  How to have a healthier and happier life.  These tips for Medical Students will apply to everybody else too so see what you think.

Working through the "storm" in relationships

When 2 or more individuals with different personalities, backgrounds, past experiences, and biases are in collaboration or in a relationship with each other, there will be challenges.

With any group dynamics, we will go through 4 stages of group development as described by Psychologist Bruce Tuchman.

1 The forming
2 The storming
3 The norming
4 The performing

The storming is inevitable for us to get to the “norming” and “performing” stages it seems. If we ride through these storms together over time with acceptance, openness, honesty, and a positive regard for one another, then we have hope.

So how do we get through the storm?

1. We need to align our goals. Two or more different individuals with aligned goals equal a great adaptive team. Two or more different individuals without aligned goals equal a war.

2. We need to connect when we are disconnected. When one feels disconnected, the rational thing to do is to reconnect. However, people don’t often do this. They often fall into the trap of withdrawing or criticizing which makes the disconnection worse. Be careful of this trap.

3. We need to resolve our conflicts through a positive regard for one another, accept and appreciate each other’s differences, and move forward together with aligned, value driven goals. Again, be careful not to fall into the usual trap of the fight or flight response with withdrawing or criticizing.

None of this is easy of course, but it is possible.