Consider approaching life like playing Angry Birds

In counseling work, we often see folks with the triad features of unrelenting standards, together with self criticism and the fear of failure. This “triad” is a guarantee for excessive stress and suboptimal performance. 

So how can we improve it?

We can consider the “Angry Birds” metaphor. 

Life is sometimes like playing Angry Birds. We have a specific target or goal. We do the best we can. We fail. We self reflect rather than self criticize. We approach it at a different angle. We repeat the process until final success. We stay present and enjoy the process.

Getting it right every time is not the aim either, because that would simply be too boring isn’t it?

So aim high. Have a go and prepare to fail often, but review, reflect, learn, get a new plan, and reimplement often. The more we fail, the better we get. Most importantly, be present and enjoy the process ...

Working on both our external locus of control and our internal locus of control to reduce stress

As Family Doctors, we often see folks whose lives are not in line with their values and expectations.

The bigger the gap, the bigger the stress it seems.

To close the gap, we only have 3 options.

1. We can try and create a life that is congruent with our values and expectations. It’s about making changes to the outside world i.e. the external locus of control OR

2. We can try to defuse/detach, and change our values and expectations to be in line with our life. This is more about changing our internal world and how we perceive things i.e. the internal locus of control OR

3 We can work on both of course. This will give us best chance of “closing the gap”. 

There’s actually a 4th option, and it’s not about closing the gap. It’s more about accepting the gap. 

Whichever way, the first step is have clarity around what those values and expectations actually are.

So the real question is, do we have clarity around those?

Perfectionism, self criticism, and fear of failure

In counseling, it’s very common for us to see folks with these 3 traits and often together. 

1 Have “unrelenting standards” 

2 Self critical and self punitive

3 Fear of failure. 

This is of course a perfect “storm” for stress.  This is the triad for perfectionism.  We have such high standards that we cannot reach.  We then criticize self, blame self, and avoid failures due to our fear of failure. Hence, we cannot achieve. It’s a vicious cycle. 

If we can change self criticism to self reflection/self compassion, along with defusing/changing our beliefs around failures, then we can still have our high standards and succeed. 

The good news is, these skills of self compassion and changing our perception around failures, can be learnt. 

Short video of the "Perfectionist Trap" and how to get out of it!

As a Family Doctor, I see many patients with stress as part of their overall health issues. The ones most vulnerable are the folks who have these 3 characteristics from my observation over the last 21 years of my clinical practice. They often.... 1 Have a perfectionistic nature with very, very high standards. 2 They are often very self critical rather than self reflective. (Please watch my other video on the difference between self reflective and self critical https://youtu.be/oeFb8JotyXc 3 They often have a fear of failure. This is a short video for raising awareness on this important issue and a chance for me to share some simples tips on how to improve this. TIPS: 1 Embrace your perfectionism and high standards BUT 2 Be self kind, self compassionate, self reflective rather than self critical 3 Approach life's failures like playing Angry Birds. The more we fail, the more we learn, and the better we get.

A short letter to all the perfectionists of the world

To all the perfectionists of the world,

I often come across many of my patients who are perfectionistic in nature, and that is not necessarily a bad thing.  In actual fact, it is a great thing!  We should all have and thrive for high standards.

However, my statement comes with a few conditions:

1. A perfectionist who is self critical and fear failure, can be extremely self destructive.
2. A perfectionist who is self critical, fear failure, but have lots of skills, will get away with it until the day, when they are faced with a situation where they do not have the skills e.g. in parenting and relationships.
3. A perfectionist who is self compassionate, self reflective, but not self critical, and who understands that failures and mistakes are pathways to success, will go a long way.

So if you are a perfectionist, please celebrate it, be kind to yourself, and embrace your failures just like when you play Angry Birds.  If you are good at it, then I know that you have made at least a few mistakes along the way.

I wish you all the very best.

Kind regards,
Dr Vin

Helpful quote of the day

It does not matter how slowly you go, as long as you do not stop ~ Confucius

For those perfectionists amongst us, this might be a helpful quote to remember.  In this fast paced world, it is not difficult to adopt the belief that the more we can achieve, and the faster we can achieve it, the better.  However, if one is not careful, this way of thinking may cause excessive stress in our lives and affects us in negative ways.

So next time you are overly stressed about your failure to meet your goals in a timely manner, take time to remind yourself that it does not really matter how slowly you go, as long as you do not stop.

Some Words of Hope on Anxiety

Iam a Family Doctor in Australia with an interest in mental health.  A common question that I ask my patients is, "Is anxiety good or bad?"  Invariably, I get "bad" as a response.

The answer is that, it is neither good or bad.  Anxiety is like a tool.  You can use it for good or bad,  just like fire.  You can use it for heating purposes, or you can use it to destroy things.  Most high achievers and successful people, are often very anxious, obsessive and are often, perfectionists.

Once you have learnt how to master it, then anxiety or stress can become your friend, and help you to be more motivated and achieve.

So, rather than thinking that you have got this terrible thing called anxiety, think of it like a superpower that you still have yet to master.  Once mastered though, it can help you to achieve great things.