Working on both our external locus of control and our internal locus of control to reduce stress

As Family Doctors, we often see folks whose lives are not in line with their values and expectations.

The bigger the gap, the bigger the stress it seems.

To close the gap, we only have 3 options.

1. We can try and create a life that is congruent with our values and expectations. It’s about making changes to the outside world i.e. the external locus of control OR

2. We can try to defuse/detach, and change our values and expectations to be in line with our life. This is more about changing our internal world and how we perceive things i.e. the internal locus of control OR

3 We can work on both of course. This will give us best chance of “closing the gap”. 

There’s actually a 4th option, and it’s not about closing the gap. It’s more about accepting the gap. 

Whichever way, the first step is have clarity around what those values and expectations actually are.

So the real question is, do we have clarity around those?

Wanting to achieve a goal but feeling a bit stuck?

Have you ever wanted to achieve something but felt a bit stuck?

In order to achieve anything in life, there are 3 things to consider.

1  Do you have clear goals that resonate with your values. This is important for "direction and motivation".  It's the "why" in the equation. Why are you doing what you are doing?

2  Do you have the appropriate skills, resources, including mentorship to make it happen.  This gives you confidence to carry it through.  It's the "how and what" in the equation. 

3  Do you have limiting beliefs that is holding you back from achieving your goals.  Limiting beliefs like 

• I am not good enough 
• If I fail, I am insignificant
• If I fail, I will let people down
• It cannot be done.  
• I don't deserve this.... These are the common limiting beliefs that we have to overcome in order to realize our goals.

Coaching or counselling can help us to define No.1, 2 and 3 with No.1 (goal clarification) being the first on the rank in my opinion.

It's important to note that No.3 (limiting beliefs) can hold us back from achieving our goals despite having clear goals, motivation and the ability to execute.  Limiting beliefs are like brakes that has to be released in order for us to move forward with consistent action.

Thinking glass half empty or half full: Which mindset is better?

So which mindset is better?

Some of us have been lead to believe that the 1/2 full mindset is always more helpful.  But is that true?

Well, this is my take on it.

When you are in a situation where you can fix things, or can prevent something from happening without too much effort, then it is best to adopt the 1/2 empty mindset.  People who are more anxious are more geared to think in this way.  It is good because with this mindset,  we are geared to think about possible problems and hence, will be geared to think about contingency plans to fix or prevent a possible problem from arising.

However, if the situation is very difficult, and that we are NOT able to fix or prevent it from happening, then it may be best to adopt the 1/2 full mindset.  It will help us to see the positive to side to it and help us move in a more helpful direction.  Another situation where the glass 1/2 full mindset maybe more useful is where we want to be more innovative, try new things and take more risks.

Hence, the usefulness of the glass 1/2 empty or 1/2 full mindset will depend on a given situation.  The trick is to have enough mindfulness or awareness to know when to use which one.

Why is it so hard for us to accept?

So why is it so hard for us to let go or accept something, even when we know that it is the best thing for us to do in a particular context.

To understand this, I think we need to dig a little bit deeper.

• Is it because we believe that "letting go" is giving up, losing, or failing, and if we fail, then we are not good enough?
• Is it because "letting go of someone's memory" means that we do not care about them anymore?
• Is it because "letting go" means that we are irresponsible, and if we are responsible, then we should continue to keep trying?

It is only when we know why, that we can begin to validate and challenge the belief or beliefs, that hold us back from letting go, and truly accept.

Are you a "should or must" thinker?

So what is a "should or must" thinker?

If you have a tendency to think that things should be like this or things must be like that, then you might be a "should or must" thinker.

Of course, this can be very helpful in some situations, especially if you have control of the situation, or have good resources to make it happen.  However, if this is not the case, then it can become a great source of your disappointment and frustration.

Consider changing the "should" to a "It would be nice if"......

For example:

"Life should be fair!" change to "It would be nice if life is fair."

"People should be nice" change to "It would be nice if people are nice."

"People should not be argumentative" change to "It would be nice if people are not argumentative but it's actually okay to have a heated and passionate discussion.  It's not personal."

I want to emphasise that "should and must" thinking is not bad.  It is great when you have control of the situation, and are able to make substantial changes to your situation.  It is not great when you are not in power or don't have the resources to make those changes.  It will unearth a lot of frustration.  Changing your beliefs and thinking i.e. your internal locus of control, maybe the better option here.

A black or white thinking style.....Helpful or not helpful?

If you have a "black or white" thinking style, things are either right or wrong, true or false, good or bad, and there are no greys.  This may create friction or frustration in your life especially in a world of shades of grey. Of course, this style of thinking can be very good, particularly when we are in complete control of our environment. However, this may not be the case for many.

Remember what was "true" in the past, may not be "true" anymore.  For example, the masses believed that the world was flat.  It is not anymore.  So what is believed as "true" today, may not be "true" tomorrow.

Being aware of this, will at least help us to open our minds to more possibilities, and importantly, more flexible in our way of thinking to allow us to have more psychological flexibility.  This will assist us to be more adaptable.

So what is an alternative to "black or white" thinking?

Asking whether something is helpful or not, is sometimes more useful than thinking whether something is true or false, or right or wrong.

The core belief that "Life should be fair"....Is it helpful or not helpful?

Some of us have the belief that "Life should be fair".  Is this helpful or not helpful?

Well, if you have the belief that "Life should be fair", then the good side is that you will try very hard to be fair and also "make" the world fair.

However, the downside of this is that it may not be realistic, and it may create disappointment and stress in your life.  In reality, "Life is not fair".  If you have a world of people with different status and power, then how can it be fair.

A more helpful way of thinking might be, "It would be nice if life is fair".  If one can adopt this, then you will still thrive for fairness but if you cannot achieve it, then at least you can still accept it at some level.

The belief that "something is just not possible" can be a limiting belief.

How many times have you had a thought that certain things in your life are "just not possible, and found that this way of thinking can often limit your potential?

"I can't do that"
"I will not get better"
"My body cannot fix this illness"
"That is just not possible" to name a few.

Sometimes, I help people to reflect on this subject matter by realizing that there is certain things in life that are actually quite miraculous and yet, we can not believe in things that are much less miraculous.

For example, if we can believe that a single human egg can divide and multiply to form a baby and then, develops and grows into an independent adult human being, then why does it seem that certain things which are far less complex about your health or in your life seem so impossible to you?

Of course, you cannot live a functional life thinking that everything is possible but almost certainly, you cannot have a fullfilled life thinking that things are "just not possible" for you.

So next time you think that something is just not possible for you, pause and reflect and ask yourself the question, "Is that really true?"

Adding a dose of possibility to your life maybe a good thing!

Do you have a fear of failure?

The fear of failure can understandably be very debilitating.  With the patients in my clinical practice, it is often due to a combination of the beliefs that one is "not good enough", "that things have to be done perfectly or don't do it at all", "I am insignificant when I fail", "I am only loveable if I achieve", and "I am significant when I achieve."

In order to challenge this, I often use the analogy of playing a computer game.  The "game" of life is like playing a computer game where there are many challenges along the way.  If it is not challenging enough, then it is too boring.  If it is too challenging, then it can be overwhelming. 

So if we ask ourself this question. "What happens when you get towards the end of Stage1, make a mistake, and have to start again?"

Do you throw the joystick away and ruminate on what you have done wrong?
Or do you start again, remember what you have done wrong, put yourself back in the "flow", and then start again and again until you get to stage 2, and then keep going until you get to the end of the game.  And if you are truly in the "flow", then despite the challenges along the way, you will still enjoy the game.

Most of us have the ability to do this.  So next time when we have "a fear of failure", embrace it, acknowledge it, accept it as it is normal to "fear failure", but then challenge it with the above analogy.

Like the "great" Michael Jordan said in his Nike Commercial, "I failed over and over and over again in my life, and this is why I succeed."

Replace some of your limiting beliefs with this one

If other people can do it, I can do it too.

If we are so self identified with our conditioned mind, this can be very self limiting.  The belief that if other people can do it, I can do it too will help to remind us, and open our minds up to the world of possibilities.

Replace one of your limiting beliefs with this one perhaps.