How to live a more value driven life and more true to who we are

Feelings are a reflection of values, so reflect on what you absolute love or hate, and then work backwards from there. I often get my patients to make a list of all the things that they react to, the good and the bad. It can be very revealing about their values.

If we hate unfairness or conflict, and love to be nice and fair, then fairness, justice and beauty might be some of our values.

If we hate routine and often seek new things including new cars, new toys, or new experiences, then fun and novelty might be on our list.

If we really hate incompetence and love effectiveness, then we may include excellence and efficiency. 

If we hate being micromanaged and love autonomy, then we consider freedom and independence. 

If a value is “core” for us, then it will show up in multiple aspects of our lives, and not just one situation.

When we mention or reflect on a particular core value, watch for “resonance”. If it doesn’t resonate, then it’s probably not a strong value of ours. If it resonates deeply, then it probably is.

Once we have more clarity, we can use these values as our “inner compass”, to live a life more congruent with our values and who we are.

Balancing the inner compass with the outer compass

Many folks I see don’t tend to make decisions based on their own values and principles but more on the values and principles of others. I would call this following the “outer compass”.

When others know what they are doing, then following the values and principles of others are great. But if others don’t know what they are doing, then big problems.  

Moral of the story.  Don’t simply follow the crowd. One has to assess the quality of that crowd. It’s important at times to stay committed to your own principles and values. This is your “inner compass”. 

Wanting to achieve a goal but feeling a bit stuck?

Have you ever wanted to achieve something but felt a bit stuck?

In order to achieve anything in life, there are 3 things to consider.

1  Do you have clear goals that resonate with your values. This is important for "direction and motivation".  It's the "why" in the equation. Why are you doing what you are doing?

2  Do you have the appropriate skills, resources, including mentorship to make it happen.  This gives you confidence to carry it through.  It's the "how and what" in the equation. 

3  Do you have limiting beliefs that is holding you back from achieving your goals.  Limiting beliefs like 

• I am not good enough 
• If I fail, I am insignificant
• If I fail, I will let people down
• It cannot be done.  
• I don't deserve this.... These are the common limiting beliefs that we have to overcome in order to realize our goals.

Coaching or counselling can help us to define No.1, 2 and 3 with No.1 (goal clarification) being the first on the rank in my opinion.

It's important to note that No.3 (limiting beliefs) can hold us back from achieving our goals despite having clear goals, motivation and the ability to execute.  Limiting beliefs are like brakes that has to be released in order for us to move forward with consistent action.

How to work out your Core Values

So how do you work out your Core Values?

For those who have not read my previous post on this topic, please click on this link "My Take on Happiness", and have a read of it first before going further.  It will be more meaningful to you.

Your core values are often "subconscious".  One of the ways to know what your core values are is to look at your reaction to a trigger and ask the question, "Why?".  Ask "why" until you can get to no further, and the answer is your "core value".  In clinical practice, we call this, "digging deeper".

For example, if you get irritated when things are not done correctly or perfectly, you can then ask...

Why?.....Because it makes sense to do things well.
Okay why?.....Because, if things are not done well, then things might go wrong, and if things do go wrong, then I will be a failure and people will not like me.  I am only significant when I do things right or achieve.

Hence, the core value here might be, "Things has to be done perfectly because if things go wrong, I will be a failure" or "I am significant if I achieve and if I fail, I am insignificant".

If you get very angry and upset when someone criticize you, then one of your core values might be, "Iam not good enough".

If you get extremely upset when you see unfairness in society, then one of your core values might be, "Things should be fair".

If you get severely insecure when you start a long term relationship, then one of your core values might be, "Iam not good enough" or "Important people in my life will leave me in the end".

If you always feel suspicious of people, then one of your core values might be, "You cannot trust anyone".

If you seem to have a comfortable and stable life, but are still unhappy, then one of your core values might be, "Life should be fun".

Now remember, core values are neither good or bad.  Of course, it can be good or it can be very bad depending on context.  For example, if I was a medical student in a clinical placement, then it may be useful to have the core value that  "Iam not good enough" in that particular situation.  This will help me to be "safe", helps me to learn more, and not to be overconfident.  However, if I apply this belief to other areas of my life in where I am competent, then it might bring me insecurity, indecisiveness, and procrastination.

So in essence, once you know what your core values are, you will be able to manage them more effectively and that is, to apply them appropriately in some situations, and to "turn them off" in other situations where it might not be so helpful.  This is a part of becoming more mindful.

The second way is to use the hypothetical "genie question".

Ask yourself, "If I was a genie, then what kind of job will I grant myself?"  The answer will highlight your values by asking, "Why did I say that?".  For example, if you answer is a Grand Prix driver then your values might be...

? It needs to be action orientated
? Fast
? Fun
? Competitive
? Adrenaline, danger and exciting
? Autonomy
? Freedom perhaps
? Goal orientate etc
? Big money if I succeed

These are your core values about work.

You can then repeat this exercise for other aspects of your life e.g. relationships, community, friendships, kids, parents/relatives/siblings etc.

Once you are more aware of your core values and the hierarchy of your core values, you are then more aware of the various areas of your life that are not being fulfilled, and hence, will have the opportunity to rectify that, or learn to accept it through better understanding.  You will also notice that some of your core values might be in conflict with each other for example, you may believe that family has to come first, but you also believe that you have to be dedicated to your job.  They often say, "You cannot have your cake and eat it too", so when these values are in conflict, you will need to prioritize your values.

Hopefully, I have highlighted the importance of knowing your core values and how it can impact your happiness.

My Take On "Happiness"

I took my 2 kids to the local library the other day and while they were choosing which dinosaur books to borrow out, I came across this book called Delivering Happiness written by Tony Hsieh CEO of Zappos.com.   He talks about the importance of core values in work and life, and its impact on happiness and performance. It was a very interesting read, and it had inspired me to post this article on "My take on Happiness".  So here it is.......

Ultimately, everyone's goal is to be happy.  So how can one achieve this?

To put it simply, people are happy or at least, content with their lives when their perceived "reality" is congruent with their "core values"/expectation.

So in essence, in order to be happy, you have two options.

1. To create a reality which in line with your core values/expectations or...
2. To change your core values/expectations to fit in with your life.

So as you can see, for you to be happy or content, you will need to know what your core values are.

So what are core values?

We all have "layers" of values just like the layers in an onion.  Some layers are deep and are very hard to change, and we refer to these as  "core values".  Some layers are more superficial and easier to change, and I like to refer to these as "surface values".  Sometimes, these layers of values are in conflict with each other and hence, can lead to a lot of internal conflict and stress.  For example, if you have a core value, "Life should be fun with freedom and autonomy" and also, "My family life is very important to me and I need to be responsible", you can easily see that at times, this will create some internal conflict.  By knowing what your core values are and the conflicting values, it will give you a chance to either change it, prioritise it, or accept your core values as they are.  Often, we cannot have our cake and eat it too.

So, where do our core values come from?

Core values generally come from your genetic makeup, temperament, what has happened to you in the past, how you have been raised, your friends, your role models, your past traumas, your past successes, and last but not least, media and Hollywood.

Self understanding is very important, so take some time to know what your Core Values are. 

Ask yourself these questions?

1. What are my core values on relationships with my partner, wife, husband, friends and families?
2. What are my core values about work?
3. What are my core values on issues other than myself eg society and community?
4. What are my core values on spiritual growth?
5. What are the "layers" of my core values and do I know their hierarchy so when one core value is in conflict with another, do I know which one will override the other in order to avoid inner conflict?
6. What part of my core values are not being fulfilled?
7. Are my core values realistic and achievable, and if not, will I change it or just accept it.

The answers to these questions will help and guide you to live a life with meaning, purpose and congruency.

As core values are often "subconscious", it is sometimes surprisingly difficult to work them out.  I will talk about ways in my next post on "How to work out your core values".  One of these strategies is a process we call in psychology, "digging deeper" by asking "why?"

Knowing yourself is about knowing your Core Values

A major part of counselling in my opinion is to help the person understand themselves better and to know their core values.

To appreciate this further, I usually use the analogy of an onion as a model.  We all have layers of values just like the layers in an onion.  Some layers are deep and are very hard to change, and we refer to this as core values.  Some layers are more superficial and easier to change, and I like to refer to this as surface values.  Sometimes, these values are in conflict with each other and hence, can lead to a lot of internal conflict and stress.  For example, if you have a core value, "Life should be fun", and also, "I need to be responsible", then you can see that at times, this will create some internal conflict.  By knowing what your core values are and what values are in conflict, it will give you a chance to either change it or prioritise which one is more important.

So, where do our core values come from?

Core values generally come from your genetic makeup, temperament, what has happened to you in the past, how you have been raised, your friends, your role models, your past traumas, your past successes, media and Hollywood perhaps.

Unhelpful core values are things like:

• I am not good enough
• Things has to be fair
• People cannot be trusted
• Life should be fun
• Things should be done perfectly or don't do it at all
• There is something wrong with me
• People will leave me in the end
• Things are either right or wrong
• If someone do something wrong, they need to be punished

More helpful core values are:

• I am good enough not because I am perfect.  In fact, I am NOT perfect.  I am good enough because I grow as a person.  I try to learn from my mistake and for me, growth is more important than absolute achievement.
• Out of something bad, there is always something good
• There is no such thing as failure.  It is just an outcome that I do not like and if I don't like it, I will do something different to get a different outcome.
• Life is a journey, not destination
• If other people can do it, I can do it too
• Sometimes, it is good to agree to disagree
• Some people can be trusted, some can be trusted with certain things, and some can't be trusted at all.  (This is as oppose to "No-one can be trusted")

Self understanding can often be the key to happiness, so take some time to know your core values.

Australia Hosted a Conference on Happiness...guest speaker Dalai Lama

Brisbane City Australia was the recent host for the Conference on Happiness.  The Dali Lama was one of the key note speakers.

So what makes us HAPPY?

Is it money?
Is it more time?
Is it more holidays? or
Is it having the perfect job?
Is it more fame and power?

In short, research suggests that happiness is less related to materialistic things, but it is more to do with connectedness, healthy relationships, a sense of purpose and meaning, a sense of belonging, and acts of giving.  We see this in clinical practice. It is about having good relationships, having work that is meaningful and is of service to others, and having a life that is congruent with your own values.