Zoom out on the things that we can’t change or don’t matter, and zoom in on the things that does matter

If we represent thoughts and feelings on a piece of paper and really “zoom in” on it, AND this is all we can focus on, this may represent obsessiveness or passion, dependent on the content of those thoughts and feelings. It may even lead to obsessive compulsive disorders (OCD) if it becomes very dysfunctional. 

If we “zoom out” a little bit more, it becomes more like “I want to act on this, but I am not too obsessed with it.”

Out a little more, and it’s more like “I just want to observe this.”

Out a little bit more, and it’s “Meh. I don’t really care too much”.

Out a little bit more, and it’s a bit detached or “dissociative”.

Some folks are stuck in the “zoom in” mode, and suffer with stress, drama, and OCD features.

Some folks are stuck in the “zoom out” mode, and suffer from a bit of detachment, dissociation, lack of empathy or passion.

Some folks can do both well but just in the wrong way. They “zoom out” too much on the things that matter, and “zoom in” too much on the things that don’t quite matter.

Learning how to “zoom out” and “zoom in” is a critical life skill.

It’s simple. “Zoom in” on the things that matter. “Zoom out” on the things that we cannot change or don’t matter. 

Simple is not easy though, but we can certainly try.

Focusing at the “root level” to get the most leverage for change in counseling

In counseling, when we try to change our “unhelpful” thoughts and behaviors, we are trying to change it at the “leaves” level to get to the roots. 

When we try to change our feelings, we are trying to change it at a “trunk” level to get to the roots.

When we try to change our values and beliefs, we are trying to change things at the “root” level itself.

Changing things that are above the surface is easier and more practical, but may have less “deeper impact”.

Changing things below the surface is much harder because often we can’t see it, but much stronger in impact if we can achieve that. It’s leveraging.

Imagine if we can change the belief in ourselves and the people we look after from, “I am not good enough” to “I am not perfect, I accept me for me, and I commit to growth and learning”, then what would the world look like.....

How to frame our emotional reaction and thinking for more empowerment

When we have an uncomfortable feeling as a reaction to an external event, let’s say someone did something that affects us, we can frame it in two ways.

 
1. They made us feel this way.

Or

2. We feel this way because of a particular value or belief that we hold deeply or tightly. So we can ask ourselves, “What is the belief that we have that made us feel or react in this way?” Once we have clarity around that, we have the opportunity to change that to influence how we feel and react.

Both are correct. However, one is more empowering than the other.

In counseling, we may try to shift the first way of thinking, into the second way of thinking for more empowerment.

Common beliefs that tend to be “triggering” for people are..

I am not good enough.
Things should be fair.
Things should be done properly or not at all.
People should be nice and sensitive.
People should be competent.
People don’t value me.
My child is so naughty. 

My child is uncontrollable 
People are dishonest.
People are bad.
People don’t have common sense.
Bad things ALWAYs happen to me.
The world is against me.
If someone does something wrong, they must be punished.
If I do something wrong, I must be punished too.
I am weird.
No nobody likes me.
There’s something wrong with me.
Everyone leaves me in the end.
You can’t trust people.
I am significant when I achieve.
I am insignificant if I fail.

And so on......

We also appreciate that beliefs are neither “right or wrong”. Is it helpful or not, or is it adaptable or not to our life and context, are probably better questions.

Furthermore, if one can change the external event, change it. It’s when we can’t change the external, then the internal is an option.

For example... We can’t make the world fair, so having the belief of “life should be fair” is going to create ongoing excessive stress for us and our families.

Changing to the belief of “It would be nice if life is fair”, will help us accept that to some extent, and at the same time, we still thrive for fairness.

An alternative to “changing our beliefs” is to defuse and unhook from that belief, in differing contexts.  To hold it more lightly at times so to speak. 

Learning to balance our inner compass with our outer compass

When people have lost sight of who they are, it’s a sign that they may have been too focused towards the “outer compass” i.e. excessive following the rules and feelings of others and people pleasing. This is normal of course, because we have been trained that way to some extent. It is how schools, many workplaces, and society operate. It helps with “collectiveness” and outer harmony. 

Like most things, if balanced, it’s good and workable. If imbalanced, it may lead to a lot of inner tension and unhappiness. 

So what is the solution?

We can help these folks to define and work on their “inner compass” to balance their “outer compass”. What’s their principles and values, and take committed actions towards that. Cultivate authenticity and living a life more true to who they are, in order to find that balance. 

What relationship do you have with your mind?

In counseling work, we often see a number of relationships that people can have with their minds. 

They can fight with their minds.
They can be a slave to their minds.
They can suffer in their minds.
They can try to escape from their minds.
They are at peace with their minds.
They have a “healthy distance” with their minds and can use it as an effective tool.

The last two are the least tiring.

Helping people to make peace or create a healthy distance with thoughts and feelings in their minds, is a significant part of counseling work.

The question is, what relationship do you have with your minds?

How to reconcile the care for others versus the care for self

It’s common for me to see folks who are constantly in an internal struggle between the thoughts of “How can I help” versus “What about me”. 

It’s a real inner tug of war at times. The care for others versus the care for self. 

Some of you may be able to relate to this phenomenon perhaps.

How do we get out of this inner struggle? Understanding and awareness first may help.

Like a computer program, when one criteria is in conflict with another, we must instruct it to go somewhere, and not be stuck in limbo. Being in limbo is often worse than bad news.

When we are in this inner struggle, we might freeze, and just as problematic, we might flight or fight with those around us who we care deeply about.

When “looking after others” is in conflict with “looking after self”, look after self first so that we can then look after others more effectively. It’s not the same as being selfish. But caution regarding leaving it too late, as the fight or flight response will rear its head with negative consequences. 

So please consider “recoding your code” around selfcare perhaps.