Living life guide by values rather simply by strict or rigid rules

Are you living a life more guided by values, or rigid rules and goals?

And why is that question important?

Let’s use a particular common “value” that folks may have... Security and Stability.

If one has strong “values” around stability and security, one may have developed certain internal rigid rules, goals, and expectations around that “value” e.g. I must make $x every year. I must be my own boss. I must own my own house. I must settle down by the age 30 and have kids.

Rules and goals are much more detailed, “higher resolution”, and more rigid than values. The good thing about rules is that it gives more specificity and clarity. The trouble is, it’s also much easier to “miss the target”, and subsequently brings on much stress and unhappiness when our rules are not achieved. The benefit around “value focused” is that it is “bigger picture”, and that one can fail in a rule AND still be able to fulfill the value from which that rule originates.

If one’s internal framework is based on the set of rigid set of rules and goals, then it’s hard to fulfill those exactly. We may set ourselves up for failures and disappointments when those rules and goals are not achieved.

If one’s internal framework is more based on “values”, then it’s easier to fulfill those values even when the exact rules and goals are not fulfilled. As long as what we do are in line with our values, then we are still in inner harmony, and we are still calm.

The irony is, if we focus on value based actions, in this example around stability and security, we may get to our goals and fulfill our “rules” sooner with more joy, less fear and disappointments.

Of course, there are other values to live by too. Adventure, fun, growth and learning, beauty, honesty, authenticity, integrity, loyalty, duty, excellence, competency, family, connection, compassion to name a few.

In other words, life is value based processes and journey, rather than just simply rules, goals and destination.

What will our world be like, if we all have better emotional literacy?

I often wonder what it will be like if we as a society, put the same amount of energy into teaching emotional literacy, as we do for numeracy, science, and literacy. 

I think it will happen, because we will simply have to. We all know about the rate of mental health issues in our communities.  So it will happen, but I just don’t know when. 

Having said that, I hope that it will be sooner rather than later. 

In the meantime, as a Health Professional, we will try and fill this gap the best that we can. Our schools may have a big role to play by introducing more emotional literacy related education to our schools. On an individual level, you can certainly learn more about emotionally literacy by staying curious, and seek relevant information in this area. 

It’s certainly not easy, but it is definitely a worthwhile pursuit. 

Reframing our narratives can be a useful strategy when life does not go our way

Reframing can be a useful strategy in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) if we are ready to reframe our narrative. Our experiences will have to be validated first before a reframe is more well received by our minds.

The danger in “reframing” is when we are NOT ready, we may feel very invalidated through that process.

My family and I often talk about the Vietnam War. Many families like mine escaped the country in the 80s. But without the “bad”, many of the “good” wouldn’t have happened either.

We won’t be able to speak another language. We won’t have the appreciation that we have right now. We won’t have the life that we have right now.

So when something “bad” happens, acknowledge it. Then we can consider reminding ourselves, when one door closes, another one opens~A.Bell.

Why mindfulness of thoughts and feelings are like punctuations in our writings

Imagine trying to write a story without a comma, full stop, paragraphs, or chapters. 

It’s amazing how much a simple pause can make a difference to the meaning of a sentence and the outcome of a story.

Likewise, when one has thoughts or feelings showing up in our minds, and we don’t have the ability to apply mindfulness and defusion in the right places for the “pause, think, before we do”, we might not get the perspective and the outcome that we want. It can lead to impulsivity, obsessive compulsive tendencies, and unwanted behaviours and drama.

A comma or full stop can be insignificant by itself, but without it, our writing may turn out very differently.

Likewise, practicing mindfulness and defusion is pretty boring by itself, but without it, the narrative in our minds can get quite distorted.