My Take On "Happiness"

I took my 2 kids to the local library the other day and while they were choosing which dinosaur books to borrow out, I came across this book called Delivering Happiness written by Tony Hsieh CEO of Zappos.com.   He talks about the importance of core values in work and life, and its impact on happiness and performance. It was a very interesting read, and it had inspired me to post this article on "My take on Happiness".  So here it is.......

Ultimately, everyone's goal is to be happy.  So how can one achieve this?

To put it simply, people are happy or at least, content with their lives when their perceived "reality" is congruent with their "core values"/expectation.

So in essence, in order to be happy, you have two options.

1. To create a reality which in line with your core values/expectations or...
2. To change your core values/expectations to fit in with your life.

So as you can see, for you to be happy or content, you will need to know what your core values are.

So what are core values?

We all have "layers" of values just like the layers in an onion.  Some layers are deep and are very hard to change, and we refer to these as  "core values".  Some layers are more superficial and easier to change, and I like to refer to these as "surface values".  Sometimes, these layers of values are in conflict with each other and hence, can lead to a lot of internal conflict and stress.  For example, if you have a core value, "Life should be fun with freedom and autonomy" and also, "My family life is very important to me and I need to be responsible", you can easily see that at times, this will create some internal conflict.  By knowing what your core values are and the conflicting values, it will give you a chance to either change it, prioritise it, or accept your core values as they are.  Often, we cannot have our cake and eat it too.

So, where do our core values come from?

Core values generally come from your genetic makeup, temperament, what has happened to you in the past, how you have been raised, your friends, your role models, your past traumas, your past successes, and last but not least, media and Hollywood.

Self understanding is very important, so take some time to know what your Core Values are. 

Ask yourself these questions?

1. What are my core values on relationships with my partner, wife, husband, friends and families?
2. What are my core values about work?
3. What are my core values on issues other than myself eg society and community?
4. What are my core values on spiritual growth?
5. What are the "layers" of my core values and do I know their hierarchy so when one core value is in conflict with another, do I know which one will override the other in order to avoid inner conflict?
6. What part of my core values are not being fulfilled?
7. Are my core values realistic and achievable, and if not, will I change it or just accept it.

The answers to these questions will help and guide you to live a life with meaning, purpose and congruency.

As core values are often "subconscious", it is sometimes surprisingly difficult to work them out.  I will talk about ways in my next post on "How to work out your core values".  One of these strategies is a process we call in psychology, "digging deeper" by asking "why?"

"What kind of stress management do you need?" written by our Guest Psychologist Dr Julia Becker Waco Texas

It’s no secret that we live in a high stress world.  Stress is not going to go away, but it can become more manageable.  Many people come into counseling with the goal of working on stress management.  They know that stress is a problem in their lives, but they do not fully understand how or why stress affects them.  When thinking about ways to manage your stress, consider the type of management you need.

For example, do you need to manage your reactions, your time, your habits, or your relationships?




Managing your Reactions:
Think about how you react to changes and stressful events.  Do you get anxious and upset? Do you tend to have a lot of negative thoughts, such as thoughts about how this event will negatively affect your future?  Do you have muscle tension and aches when you experience stress?  We can’t control everything that happens, but learning to manage our reactions to stress can improve overall health and wellbeing.

Managing your Time:
Sometimes simply making small changes to schedules can improve one’s sense of control and peace.  Other items, larger changes need to be made.  People are often overscheduled and overcommitted. Managing time may involve looking closely at your schedule and deciding what needs to be cut out.  Furthermore, when people are overscheduled, sleep is often the first thing that is sacrificed.  Not getting enough sleep can increase irritability and feelings of stress. 

Managing your Habits:
Behavior has a major influence on mood and health.  Not getting enough sleep, unhealthy eating, and not exercising are just a few of the habits that can lead to increased stress.  Employees who spend their lunch breaks working or surfing the web often feel more tension throughout the day than employees who take a brisk walk or go out to lunch with a friend.  Think about your daily activities.  What are all the small things you do that lead to increased stress?  What do you do that helps decrease your stress?

Managing your Relationships:
Think about all of your relationships and how they affect your mood.  Not having enough social support makes people more vulnerable to experiencing anxiety and depression.  Having close relationships that are high in conflict or emotionally draining also leads to feelings of stress.  Managing your relationships may involve developing new relationships, creating boundaries in existing relationships, and managing your emotional reactions to other people’s behavior. 


Dr Julia Becker
Licensed Psychologist Waco Texas USA
http://www.psybecker.com/
http://www.beckerpsychology.blogspot.com/

Helpful quote of the day

It does not matter how slowly you go, as long as you do not stop ~ Confucius

For those perfectionists amongst us, this might be a helpful quote to remember.  In this fast paced world, it is not difficult to adopt the belief that the more we can achieve, and the faster we can achieve it, the better.  However, if one is not careful, this way of thinking may cause excessive stress in our lives and affects us in negative ways.

So next time you are overly stressed about your failure to meet your goals in a timely manner, take time to remind yourself that it does not really matter how slowly you go, as long as you do not stop.

What Exactly Is "Happiness" from the book "The Happiness Trap" written by our Guest Doctor and Author Dr Russ Harris

We all want it. We all crave it. We all strive for it. Even the Dalai Lama has said: ‘The very purpose of life is to seek happiness.’ But what exactly is this elusive thing we are looking for?

The word ‘happiness’ has two very different meanings. Usually it refers to a feeling: a sense of pleasure, gladness or gratification. We all enjoy happy feelings, so it’s no surprise that we chase them. However, like all our other feelings, feelings of happiness don’t last. No matter how hard we try to hold on to them, they slip away every time. And as we shall see, a life spent in pursuit of those feelings is, in the main, unsatisfying. In fact, the harder we pursue pleasurable feelings, the more we are likely to suffer from anxiety and depression.

The other meaning of happiness is ‘a rich, full and meaningful life’. When we take action on the things that truly matter deep in our hearts, when we move in directions that we consider valuable and worthy, when we clarify what we stand for in life and act accordingly, then our lives become rich and full and meaningful, and we experience a powerful sense of vitality. This is not some fleeting feeling — it is a profound sense of a life well lived. And although such a life will undoubtedly give us many pleasurable feelings, it will also give us uncomfortable ones, such as sadness, fear and anger. This is only to be expected. If we live a full life, we will feel the full range of human emotions.

In this book, "The Happiness Trap", we are far more interested in the second meaning of happiness than in the first. Of course, happy feelings are quite pleasant, and we should certainly make the most of them when they present themselves. But if we try to have them all the time, we are doomed to failure.

The reality is, life involves pain. There’s no getting away from it. As human beings we are all faced with the fact that sooner or later we will grow infirm, get sick and die. Sooner or later we all will lose valued relationships through rejection, separation or death. Sooner or later we all will come face-to-face with a crisis, disappointment and failure. This means that in one form or another, we are all going to experience painful thoughts and feelings.

The good news is that, although we can’t avoid such pain, we can learn to handle it much better — to make room for it, rise above it and create a life worth living. This book will show you how to do so. There are three parts to this process.

In Part 1 you will learn how you create and get stuck in the happiness trap. This is an essential first step, so please don’t skip it — you can’t escape the trap if you don’t know how it works.

In Part 2, rather than trying to avoid or eliminate painful thoughts and feelings, you will learn how to fundamentally transform your relationship with them. You will learn how to experience painful thoughts and feelings in a new way that will lessen their impact, drain away their power, and dramatically decrease their influence over your life.

Finally, in Part 3, instead of chasing happy thoughts and feelings, you will focus on creating a rich and meaningful life. This will give rise to a sense of vitality and fulfilment that is both deeply satisfying and long lasting.

The Journey Ahead

The "Happiness Trap" is like a trip through a foreign country: much will seem strange and new. Other things will seem familiar yet somehow subtly different. At times you may feel challenged or confronted, at other times excited or amused. Take your time on this journey. Instead of rushing ahead, savour it fully. Stop when you find something stimulating or unusual. Explore it in depth and learn as much as you can. To create a life worth living is a major undertaking, so please take the time to appreciate it.

Dr Russ Harris

Medical Practitioner-Psychotherapist-Executive Coach

http://www.actmindfully.com.au/

A Moment With Dr Michelle Garnett Clinical Psychologist West End Brisbane on "What advice would you give to a parent of a newly diagnosed young child with Asperger's Syndrome?"

Cultivate acceptance and optimism, there is a good reason and good evidence to be optimistic.  Learn.  Grow.  As Rudy Simone says, "Give your child some B.A.L.L.S." - Belief, Acceptance, Love, Like, and Support.

Dr Michelle Garnett
Director and Clinical Psychologist
MINDS & HEARTS
A Specialist Clinic for Asperger's Syndrome and Autism
http://www.mindsandhearts.net/

What to do when your doctor says “It’s all in your head.” By our Guest Psychologist Dr Julia Becker Waco Texas

It’s a common experience:  A patient goes to see the doctor about a physical problem such as  frequent stomach aches, chronic pain, or fatigue.  After some tests and appointments with a specialist, the doctor concludes that the problem is psychological, or “in your head.”

Patients may then asks themselves “What does this mean?  Is the doctor saying my symptoms are not REAL?  I know they’re real!”  This feeling of being misunderstood can lead to a shut down in the communication between doctor and patient.  The patient leaves the office silently, intent on finding a new doctor who will understand these physical symptoms.  Although the patient was given a referral for a counselor or psychologist, the patient promptly throws it away, certain that no psychologist could help with a physical problem.

Were the problems “real” or “psychological”?  The answer is not so simple.  Physical problems can have multiple causes, and can be “real” and emotionally based at the same time.  Psychological factors such as anxiety, stress, and depression cause real physical symptoms.  In recent years, research has demonstrated the powerful connection between the mind and the body.  Through this research, psychologists and physicians continue to discover specific ways that mental states affect physical functioning.  Research has shown that many physical problems are influenced by a person’s emotional state, including:

• High blood pressure
• Perception of pain
• Gastrointestinal problems
• Breathing problems
• Migraine Headaches
• Seizures
• Immune system functioning

Furthermore, research has shown that psychological therapy produces positive changes in the brain that are detectable by medical tests such as a PET scan or MRI.  When the brain changes, the body can also change.  If your doctor has advised you to see a counselor, consider whether this may be useful to you.  Ask your doctor questions about why they think counseling will help you.  When in doubt, seek a second opinion.  Many people with psychologically based physical problems benefit from a combination of counseling and traditional medical treatments.  Your counselor can talk with you about how counseling can improve your physical problem.  Learning to manage stress and learning relaxation exercises are common approaches that counselors use to help people with physical problems.


Dr Julia Becker
Licensed Psychologist Waco Texas USA
http://www.psybecker.com/
http://www.beckerpsychology.blogspot.com/

7 Simple Strategies for Thinking Your Way to Happiness written by our Guest Psychologist and Author Prof. Timothy Sharp @ The Happiness Institute Sydney Australia

There is nothing either good or bad except thinking makes it so...

These famous lines were supposedly said by Hamlet, written by Shakespeare and have been used probably thousands of times by psychologists and especially, those (including myself) who believe that our  thinking plays a crucial role in how we feel and what we do.

If thinking, therefore, affects how we feel (as it definitely does) then thinking is important for our happiness.  In very simple terms, there are certain types of thoughts that help us cope and function and achieve our best where as there are other types of thoughts that contribute to distress and problems. Most of us who want to enjoy more happiness would prefer to have more of the former!

So how do we do this? How do we think more helpful and constructive thoughts and less unhelpful, negative ones? Well, today I bring you 7 simple strategies that should boost your happiness...

1. Accept that some "negative thoughts" are natural (this might sound counter-intuitive and not necessarily conducive to reducing negative thoughts but it works! Accepting the reality that we all have some distressing and disturbing thoughts, at times, can take a lot of pressure off and, therefore, minimise associated distress)
2. Don't fight negative thoughts; just let them go
3. Be aware of your thoughts but don't feel as though you have to believe them; thoughts are not facts
4. Question your thoughts the way you might question or debate someone at a dinner party or in a team meeting
5. Try to imagine a different way of thinking about certain (especially distressing) situations
6. Ask yourself how someone else you know, preferably someone who's mostly happy and seems to cope well, would think in this situation
7. Look for the best as often as possible

This is just a taste of what's possible when one starts to learn about helpful ways of thinking. There are more tips in the FREE RESOURCES section of our Happiness Institute website and there is also a whole chapter in The Happiness Handbook

Prof. Timothy Sharp
Executive Coach & Consultant, Facilitator and Speaker
http://www.thehappinessinstitute.com.au/

Tips for Getting Thru the Holidays written by our Guest Psychologist and Author Dr Deborah Serani New York USA

Overexpectation. This is the single biggest cause of holiday stress. Unrealistic hopes that everything will be perfect, and everyone will be happy can only lead to disappointment, frustration and even depression. Be realistic and enjoy the true meaning of the holidays, which is about celebration and togetherness – not perfection.

Overscheduling. Most of our lives are already overscheduled, even before adding in holiday visits, religious events, and travel. Make plans carefully in advance and don’t be afraid to say “No!" if you feel burdened.

Overindulging. Eat, drink and be merry…within reason. Overeating can worsen certain health problems and causes unneeded guilt over extra pounds. Enjoy the bounty of special celebrations but don’t go overboard.

Overpaying. Don't confuse “stuff” with love. Make a budget and stick to it. Most of all, remember to give the gift of time to children. Long after the $100 video games are forgotten, kids will remember sledding down hills with you.

Overexertion. Don’t wait until the last minute to shop for food and presents. Shop ahead of time. Use the Internet. And don’t go it alone! Delgate if necessary.

Overbearing Relatives. Family conflicts can resurface during what should be ideal moments. Try to avoid falling into old tensions or old roles. If certain people are problematic, be creative with seating or invite people to different occasions at different times. Set aside differences until after the holidays. If friction arises, leave the room to baste the turkey or take a walk with someone.

Overstressed. Keep an eye out for signs of discomfort and stress that takes its toll on your body and mind. Head or backaches, nightmares, withdrawal, irritability and other out-of-character behaviors are a sign that you have taken on too much.

Dr Deborah Serani, Psy.D.
Psychologist
12 Ivy Hill Drive
Smithtown, NY 11787 USA
1.631.366.4674
http://www.deborahserani.com/
http://www.drdeborahserani.blogspot.com/
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/two-takes-depression

Why is relationship skills so important in the management of depression and anxiety?

So why is relationship skills so important in the management of depression and anxiety?

Relationship conflict is a common source of stress for everyone including people with depression and anxiety and hence, part of the management of depression and anxiety is to work on the understanding of relationship conflicts, and how to resolve it through conflict resolution.

How does one do this?

First of all, I would like to raise awareness about the "natural history" of a relationship. When two people from a different background, different family culture, different past, and different values come together, it is not difficult to predict that there is going to be conflict.

When there is conflict, three possible outcome can eventuate.

1. If the two people value their relationship enough and have the skills to resolve their conflict, then conflict resolution will occur and their relationship will grow and become stronger.
2. If the two people do not value their relationship enough and combined with the lack of skills in conflict resolution, then this will lead to a separation.
3. If the two people value their relationship enough but do not have the skills to resolve their conflict, they may avoid the conflict and "sweep it under the bed" so to speak. The problem with this strategy is that at some point, the value of the relationship goes down, and the conflict/baggage in the relationship rises to the point where the "value" is less than the "pain".  At this point, the two people will be forced to resolve their conflict or to separate.

So as one can see, conflict "management" or resolution is extremely important in any healthy relationship.

To succeed in one's relationship, one must align goals, connect when disconnected, and resolve one's conflict rather than avoid or blame.  Of course, this is not easy but it is a skill that can be learnt.  I encourage all sufferers who have relationship difficulties to consider seeing a good relationship counsellor or a psychologist to work through their relationship issues.

In Australia, you can also contact Relationship Australia and see if they can help you.

Top 10 tips to get better sleep written by our Guest Psychologist Prof. Timothy Sharp @ The Happiness Institute Sydney Australia

Here in Australia, and I would suggest, across most of the "Western World" we have a hidden epidemic of...sleep deprivation.

Too many people suffer way too much because, quite simply, they're not getting enough sleep.
This is massively problematic because sleep affects health and wellbeing, concentration and attention, mood and interpersonal relationships...and so much more!

So if we want to maximise health and happiness then one of the things we need to do is fix this problem of tiredness. How? Well here are 10 Simple Tips from "The Good Sleep Guide"...

1. Understand the need for sleep - and ensure your expectations are realistic.
2. Make sleep a priority - and watch your sleep improve
3. Eat well, and consume alcohol, caffeine and other drugs in moderation only
4. Engage in regular exercise and keep active - take the stairs and walk whenever you can
5. Learn to relax - and then practice as often as you can
6. Sort our your sleep routine - go to bed only when you’re tired, avoid stimulating activities in the bedroom, and get up at the same time every day
7. Organise your time - allowing time to “wind down” at night
8. Develop healthy thinking and overcome worry - don’t say things to yourself you wouldn’t want someone else to say to you
9. Address other problems in your life - they usually don’t go away by themselves
10. Practice and persevere - developing a healthy lifestyle and a good sleep routine can take between 4 and 6 week

Getting good sleep is vitally important for health and wellbeing, happiness and living a good life so put these 10 simple sleep tips into action and reap the rewards!


Prof. Timothy Sharp
Executive Coach & Consultant, Facilitator and Speaker
http://www.thehappinessinstitute.com.au/

Why is parenting skills so important for sufferers with depression and anxiety?

In my practice, part of the treatment for patients with depression and anxiety is to help parents with parenting skills.  Parenting is one of the hardest job in the world but yet, we get so little training in this area.  Parenting although very rewarding, can be a very common source of stress, and if we can manage this better, then the stress and anxiety will be less.  There is good evidence to support this.

Please consider talking to your Doctor about help in this area.  If your Doctor do not provide parenting skill training, then your Doctor will generally refer you to the right people.  In Australia, TripleP is a well known and reputable organization which focus on parenting.

Please click on this link for more information on TripleP in your part of the world.

The core belief that "Life should be fair"....Is it helpful or not helpful?

Some of us have the belief that "Life should be fair".  Is this helpful or not helpful?

Well, if you have the belief that "Life should be fair", then the good side is that you will try very hard to be fair and also "make" the world fair.

However, the downside of this is that it may not be realistic, and it may create disappointment and stress in your life.  In reality, "Life is not fair".  If you have a world of people with different status and power, then how can it be fair.

A more helpful way of thinking might be, "It would be nice if life is fair".  If one can adopt this, then you will still thrive for fairness but if you cannot achieve it, then at least you can still accept it at some level.

The belief that "something is just not possible" can be a limiting belief.

How many times have you had a thought that certain things in your life are "just not possible, and found that this way of thinking can often limit your potential?

"I can't do that"
"I will not get better"
"My body cannot fix this illness"
"That is just not possible" to name a few.

Sometimes, I help people to reflect on this subject matter by realizing that there is certain things in life that are actually quite miraculous and yet, we can not believe in things that are much less miraculous.

For example, if we can believe that a single human egg can divide and multiply to form a baby and then, develops and grows into an independent adult human being, then why does it seem that certain things which are far less complex about your health or in your life seem so impossible to you?

Of course, you cannot live a functional life thinking that everything is possible but almost certainly, you cannot have a fullfilled life thinking that things are "just not possible" for you.

So next time you think that something is just not possible for you, pause and reflect and ask yourself the question, "Is that really true?"

Adding a dose of possibility to your life maybe a good thing!