Helping parents to reconcile their parenting styles and work together as a parenting team, rather than against each other

In relationship work, one of the things that couples can often fight about is, parenting. 

In parenting, it’s a fine balance between connection or attachment, versus discipline, rules, or boundary setting. 

One parent will often have a bias towards the connection, AND the other will have a bias towards the rules/discipline. One will blame the other for being too soft, while the other gets blamed for being too harsh. Both elements are very important of course. However, too much connection without rules can lead to entitlement and chaos. Too much rules without connection may lead to rebellion. 

Parenting is definitely one of the hardest job in the world, and it’s important to remember that it’s a “team sport”.  Single parents will find it really hard here, so they will need extra support. Separated parents will also need extra support to reconcile and realign their parenting goals again. 

Helping parents to see and appreciate each other’s complementary style, is an important step to stop the blame, and to bring them together again as a parenting team.

Helping couples to fulfill each other’s needs

When working with couples in distress, it’s common to see two unhappy people whose needs are not being met. Their “need tanks” are both empty.

So what are in those “need tanks”?

1 Physiologically needs like sleep.

2 Safety needs.

3 Feelings of significance.

4 Feelings of connection and belonging.

5 Needs around newness, growth, variety and novelty.

Being human, they then instinctively demand for these needs to be met by their partner, either outwardly or inwardly.

It’s like both people demanding fruit from a fruit tree, and the tree has been unwatered, neglected, or starved of nutrients and sunlight.

So in couple counseling, we aim to shift both people from “where’s my fruit”, to watering and caring for the trees first.

When we understand what needs are required from each other, it’s easier to fulfill those needs for each other. Once each other’s needs are fulfilled, the relationship will be much more fruitful. 

What is counseling in a nutshell

Going to counseling can be a bit daunting and scary for some people, so I often try to simplify it.

So what is counseling in a nutshell?

We show people strategies or “brain hacks” to “zoom out” on the things that don’t matter, or things that matter but we have no control over.

AND

We help folks to “zoom in” on the things that do matter, to create a life that is meaningful, true to who we are, AND at the same time, workable in the real world.

It’s not too mysterious. 

Some may think that it’s only relevant for those with a “mental health disorder”.  But it’s not.  It’s relevant for everyone really.  

To improve our lives, we have to see and fix the “stuff behind the curtain”, as well as the “stuff in front of us”

In counseling, we often need to see what’s in front of the curtain, AND what’s behind the curtain as well. 

If we see anger in front of the curtain, behind the curtain might be shame and disconnection.

If we see an avoidant partner in front of the curtain, behind the curtain might be, someone who has given up on trying to make their partner happy. They feel like a failure in some ways.

If we see a demanding and critical partner in front of the curtain, behind the curtain might be extreme sadness, disconnection and loneliness. They are desperately trying to reach out and bid for connection, but going about it in a non helpful way.

If we see a child misbehaving in front of the curtain, behind the curtain might be a child who feels disconnected from his/her family or friends.

We can try and fix the things in front of the curtain, but if we don’t address what’s behind the curtain, the problems will recur.

Loss is inevitable so how can we work through our losses

Bad things happen. It’s inevitable isn’t it?

When faced with a loss of some sorts, for example, loss of money, job, loved ones, independence, relationships, or good health, we may recognize the following stages that we can experience in ourselves. 

1. Disbelief. 
2. Stress with fight/flight responses. 
3. Acceptance and “at peace” with the loss. 
4 Adaptation with possible post traumatic growth. 

Asking what stage/s we are mainly in is an important question. 

Most problematic scenarios including PTSD, depression, anxiety, and adjustment disorders, occur when we are “stuck” in stage two with the flight/fight responses. It’s very emotionally draining. 

Once we realize that the “fight or flight” response is ineffective for moving forward, we can consider an alternative path of acceptance, assertiveness, and growth. 

Consider pivoting for emotional acceptance in stage 3, and creating a value driven life that we want in stage 4, with our new founded insights and experiences. 

Stage 4 is our post traumatic growth.  It’s the alternative to post traumatic distress.